The Uncommon Sense Called Common Sense
This happened some ten or fifteen years ago. I was having my evening stroll along the busy main road. A motorbike stopped near me. “How are you ma’am ?” the man asked and I replied, “ I am fine but I dont know who you are.” He then said he worked with my husband in the Hospital before he resigned his job and proceeded to enquire about him in a familiar way. Then he said he had built a house and wanted me to come and see it. I said, “ No.” He kept on pressing me saying it was close by and I thought he wanted prayer for his new house. Half-heartedly I said “O.K” and started walking. He said, “You sit in the pillion.” Now that I had committed myself I had no choice but to sit behind him. He turned from the main road and went into some Nagar and stopped in front of a house. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, “ My wife has locked the house and gone out. I’ll take you to the new house.” He then gave me a 500 Rupee note. I thought he was giving offering and happily accepted it. He started driving down the road. It was becoming dark, houses were becoming sparse, there were no street lights and nobody on the road. Then the road became a mud road. I started to panic and said, “Stop the bike.” He stopped. “Take me to the main road this very minute,” I half screamed. “You are not coming?” he asked and I said, “ No I’m not coming.” “Give me back my money ” he asked. It was then that something flickered in my brain and flashed like a tube light. My God! What have I got myself into? I returned the 500 Rupee note and by God’s grace he brought me back to the main road and left me.
Philip Yancey says that some people are born again breech. Truly, I think I was born again breech—head comes last for me. Anybody can easily deceive me. I often think, a fool like me cannot survive in this world without a God like my God. As they say, common sense has become uncommon. Whenever I think of this incident I am reminded of what Jesus said, that the children of this world are much wiser than the children of light (Lk 16:8). When we are invited, we think it is for prayer; when somebody gives money we think it is offering! When worldly people are so cunning, are we well equipped to counteract them?
Have you anytime prayed, “Lord, make me like a snake?” I’m sure the answer is “No.” No wonder we are senseless. Jesus said we must be harmless as the doves and wise as the snakes.
Do you remember in what context He said it ? While sending his twelve disciples for ministry He said, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. THEREFORE be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Mt 10:16). Anybody can abuse the dove and wring its head off. It will die without fighting back, without even a squeak of protest. That’s why it is called the foolish dove (Hos 7:11). Does God want us to be like that ? The serpent is very harmful as we know. God tells us to lay down the foolishness of the dove and harmfulness of the serpent and learn their innocence and shrewdness. God expects us to be a dove-snake combination. A Christian must be half dove and half snake. That’s exactly what Jesus was. He did not commit Himself to the people because he knew them (Jn 2:23,24). A little suspicion in anything is always safe.
Both these sides must go to make a Christian-Innocence and Wisdom. God is a very gentle mother and a strict disciplinarian father. The Holy Spirit is cool waters and consuming fire. Jesus is lamb and lion. He said, “I am gentle and lowly” but took the whip and thrashed the wicked left and right, black and blue. God has created us in His image and we too must possess these characteristics. We find the saints possessing both. We know Job only as a soft-spoken gentleman. But he told his wife not to talk like a foolish woman. He says he broke the jaws of the wicked (29:17). Have you anytime broken anybody’s jaw? If we do this today, we’ll be taken to the court. But do we react to wickedness in such a forcible manner? We have become muscleless, anaemic Christians, too weak, plain doves.
Let’s see a little about the ten virgins. The foolish ones must have thought, “Why carry a bottle ? If we lack we can always get from somebody else.” They were in for a crude shock.
The five wise ones refused to give them oil. They primped together, danced together, slept together; they were such close friends. The foolish might have asked, “Should you not love your neighbour as yourself?”
So, what is loving your neighbor as yourself? We must get it clear. Loving your neighbor as yourself means loving yourself first. If you don’t love yourself, how are you going to love your neighbor as yourself ? If you don’t know how to protect your own rights, how are you going to protect your neighbor’s rights ? If you let others abuse you, how are you going to prevent your neighbor being abused? If you dont know how to safeguard your eternal salvation, how are you going to lead your neighbor to eternal life?
The foolish virgins might have asked, “So, you don’t want to be friends with us? ” and the wise would have replied, “Sure, we want to be friends with you, but only thus far. We cannot risk the wedding supper for our friendship. Don’t cross the boundary. We cannot be friends with you to the point of losing the wedding celebration.”
These are last days. Our own oil is running low. We are fighting our own battles of trials and temptations. The love of many shall wax cold. Beware! There are people to drain whatever oil you are left with. They will take away your time and talent for purposes God never intended. “Can you come?” they will ask. If you say, “No,” they’ll say, “Please’’with a pathetic look on their face. Then they’ll give you 101 reasons why you should go there. First of all, ask for time to decide. Then decide firmly whether you want to go or not. Then stand by it. All you have to say is ‘No’, ‘No’, ‘No’, politely till they leave you. Some of us foolishly give away our oil. Many of us would rather risk our eternal life than risk our relationship. First we must be stewards of ourselves before we can be stewards of others.
Assertiveness is claiming our rights or refusing to give up our rights or not allowing anyone to abuse us. God is a very assertive person. He tells the waves, “Thus far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt” (Job 38:10,11). He drew the line for the waves and fixed the limits. Draw the line for your life partner, friend, boss, subordinate, child, parent, neighbour, mother-in-law, daughter -in-law or anybody. Jesus was assertive. He asked if the baptism of John was from heaven or earth. They knew they were trapped, and said, “We don’t know.” Jesus said, “I also will not tell you.” He did not say, “I also don’t know.”That’s a cowardly reply. But He was bold and assertive and said, “Neither will I tell you” (Mt 21:25). You don’t have to answer everybody’s prying questions. You can boldly say: “ I don’t need to tell you,” or ask, “Why do you want to know that ?”
Jesus said if anyone takes away your shirt, give away your banian also. Let’s say someone takes away your shirt and you give away your banian. You buy a new shirt and banian for yourself. He again takes away your shirt and again you give away your banian. The same thing repeats the third day. You should find out if he is doing shirt business and banian business. You need discernment. In the Old Testament one man who had hundred sheep took away his neighbor’s one sheep. God did not say, “You give it up.” He was terribly angry with the rich man.
The birthright was Esau’s. If we read the Bible casually we may think Esau was not earthly minded and that he generously gave away his birthright. But God was angry with him. It was a gift of God and Esau treated it lightly or contemptuously. It was an insult to God. When God has given us certain rights, He expects us to be assertive and protect our God-given rights.
Assertiveness should not turn to arrogance. It should be done will all humility, politeness and
backbone. So assertiveness is not arrogance.
We need shrewdness in all areas of life. Here we will see just two —
1.Parents and children
2. Husbands and wives.
Parents and children
Children become assertive as they grow up. They will grow more and more assertive as they grow into teenage and then adulthood. We have an apt example in the life of Jesus.
Jesus was twelve years old when He went to Jerusalem along with the family. While returning He was missing. May be Mary was pregnant and with another three or four children tugging along . They must have thought Jesus old enough to take care of Himself. Jesus went missing for three days. It was not an unplanned escape. He must have taken His tooth brush, paste, towel and change of clothes. Now I want to ask you a question — Do you think what Jesus did was right or wrong? If you say, ‘Right,’ then you must allow your twelve year old to do it. If you say, ‘Wrong,’ then you must accept that what Jesus did was wrong.
I broke my head and finally arrived at an answer. When you see your children becoming assertive, quietly watch if they are going the way you taught. If yes, then relax, but be vigilant. Jesus was after all in the Temple, not in a cinema hall. He came back and was under His parents and GREW in wisdom. That is how children grow in wisdom. We should not break their wings when they try to fly. Eggs must be hatched not smashed.
If you get off the eggs too early they get spoilt. If you sit on them too long they get smashed. You must remember, our days are not what Jesus’ days were. The world has become a very unsafe place for children.
If they become assertive and take the wrong route then you have to act. Be easy on small things like hair style and dress so that you can really be strong in matters like drugs, sex and late night parties. Don’t allow your children to push you to the wall. By twelve a child must be able to find the will of God for himself and yet be under parent’s authority.
Adult sons and daughters also should learn to be assertive with parents. As you grow up and mature, you must, with the help of parents and spiritual leaders be able to decide on major things like what course to study, whom to marry, serving God fulltime or career choice. The ultimate decision will be yours.
Husbands and wives
Husbands and wives need to learn to draw the line. Many wives get beaten up because they never learned to do this. Choose a senior couple who can help you. Then when your husband lifts his hand to beat you, stand tall, look him in the eye and boldly say that you are going to tell the couple or your pastor. If he doesn’t care, then go ahead and do it.
When one goes through difficult times often common sense flies out of the window. Lets take the example of a woman who developed a relationship with her cousin. When her husband caught her red-handed their family friendship broke. She kept blaming her husband for the soured relationship. The husband felt terribly guilty for whatever had happened. When he was counselled to put responsibility where it belonged and he realized that the relationship was broken not because of what he did but because of what she did, he was so relieved and happy. You don’t need to take up unnecessary guilt.
As much as husband and wife should have oneness of mind, they should have twoness of mind too. Never hesitate to disagree politely. Peter asked Sapphira, “How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord?” Abraham agreed with Sarah and brought forth Ishmael.
In Song of Solomon, the husband describes his wife as, ‘Fair as the moon.’ That is the ‘harmless dove’ aspect. ‘Clear as the sun’ is the serpent aspect. The Bible speaks of sound mind (NKJV) and the ability to discern. Then ‘terrible as an army with banners’ (NKJV). That again is the snake quality to react and fight to save your God-given rights. Family is one such right.
I would like to confine myself to just one aspect-Suspicion. The world has become so bad that everyone suspects everyone. You suspect her-she suspects somebody and that somebody suspects you! It is like a cat and mouse game.
Suspicion is a double-edged sword – It can heal like a surgeon’s knife or cut your own throat. It is like walking on a razor sharp edge. You don’t need to trust anyone—preacher or teacher or musician or one who fasts and prays. Everybody is human. Spiritual attraction is a very dangerous thing and we need to be doubly cautious in a spiritual atmosphere. Remember what happened in the Corinthian church.
Suspicion can be viewed from four angels-
1. You suspect someone.
By that I mean you suspect someone is after your spouse. Be alert and watchful. Suspicion should not spill over your relationships. If it does, relationships will be damaged and relationships, once damaged will be very difficult to mend. Keep praying for proof. If you find proof, act on it or else relax. Don’t die of heart burn or high blood pressure. You must also leave your spouse to fight their own battles. They may not fall for it. Most have to put up with minor flings. If they are spiritual people they will get over it soon and steady themselves. If it snowballs into a relationship you can do something about it. You don’t need to suspect everyone. For every bad person you meet there are atleast ten good people around you.
2. Someone suspects you.
That you are after their spouse. Move away from that family. Give them time to settle disputes between themselves. Keep praying for restoration of peace in the family. You need to be careful, even if you are uncle or aunty or grandpa or grandma. Wait for them to develop confidence in you.
3. You suspect your spouse.
Don’t ask, “Who are you thinking about ?” We are not mind readers. Only God can do that. We should not play God. Ultimately each person is answerable to God first. Before your spouse hurts you he/she is hurting God. Individual freedom should not be curbed. Even God did not tie the hands of Adam after giving the commandment. They must prove their love for you by choosing to be faithful to you. But certain circumstances may be too wicked and your help may be needed. If somebody wants to cheat you they can always cheat you. We are not together 24 hours a day and an adult cannot be controlled. That somebody may be a strong spiritual person and may not fall for your spouse’s overtures. So wait. Why should you soil your hands? Your spouse also may learn a lesson that they cannot play with everyone or they may be fighting their own spiritual battle.
You should not expect your spouse to be running around your feet all the time. You must give them enough latitude to relate to others. Life is laughing, joking, chatting, conversing, sharing problems, giving and receiving counsel, helping etc. If you really find anything, act on it but make sure it is not a Phantom.
The other party must also behave responsibly. If you like someone, be family friends rather than developing a personal relationship. If all of us behave above suspicion, the world will be a better place to live in and friendships can last for a lifetime!
4. Your spouse suspects you.
Sacrifice the relationship. Even if it is as dear as your right eye, pull it out. The most important person in the whole world is your spouse. Do not argue. Whether it is platonic relationship or otherwise, be done with it. No explanation is necessary for the other party. I advocate one thing - don’t touch. That can keep you off a lot of trouble.
I want to quote a few lines that I read somewhere, “Jealousy can be an ugly emotion born of insecurity and possessiveness. Yet it can be a healthy response to seeing our love endangered. Jealousy is protection for love, a reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. But we need to ask ourselves: Is the perceived threat real or not?”
The Shulamite says, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” If the voice is recorded it may not be as sweet and gentle as we imagine. She says, “Place me as a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death and jealousy as cruel as the grave” (8:6). So act with love, not jealousy. The seal over the heart is for your own realization and that on the arm is for others to see. So let love protect you, not jealousy.
How to get wisdom—
1. Pray (Js 1:5). Pray daily for wisdom. The Bible speaks so much about sound mind (NKJV) for men and women. Study and learn to be assertive.
2. Read your Bible and obey it. It is God’s wisdom. Every time you open your Bible you become a little more wiser. The more you read your Bible the wiser you become.
3. Learn from experience. In 2 Timothy 1:7 the “spirit” mentioned is not the Holy Spirit but our spirit because the ‘s’ is not capital. “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (NKJV). So, be assertive without fear; be assertive with love and not arrogantly; be assertive with backbone not weakly; be assertive with clear thinking, knowing the will of God in that matter and not in a confused state.
I want to close with a funny thing that happened in our Mission. One of our missionaries got married and straightaway came to the annual camp. We asked him how he was doing. He said, “I am in Song of Solomon.” Then they went to the field. Six months later we met him and asked how he was doing. He replied, “I am in Lamentations!” I am sure during the six months he would have had lot of revelations! It is now about twenty years and they are doing great. So, with all our problems with neighbours, friends, children, in-laws, spouses, strangers and others we will ultimately do very well. We must face the challenges of life and go ahead with God.
“Lord, make us as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
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The Uncommon Sense Called Common Sense
This happened some ten or fifteen years ago. I was having my evening stroll along the busy main road. A motorbike stopped near me. “How are you ma’am ?” the man asked and I replied, “ I am fine but I dont know who you are.” He then said he worked with my husband in the Hospital before he resigned his job and proceeded to enquire about him in a familiar way. Then he said he had built a house and wanted me to come and see it. I said, “ No.” He kept on pressing me saying it was close by and I thought he wanted prayer for his new house. Half-heartedly I said “O.K” and started walking. He said, “You sit in the pillion.” Now that I had committed myself I had no choice but to sit behind him. He turned from the main road and went into some Nagar and stopped in front of a house. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, “ My wife has locked the house and gone out. I’ll take you to the new house.” He then gave me a 500 Rupee note. I thought he was giving offering and happily accepted it. He started driving down the road. It was becoming dark, houses were becoming sparse, there were no street lights and nobody on the road. Then the road became a mud road. I started to panic and said, “Stop the bike.” He stopped. “Take me to the main road this very minute,” I half screamed. “You are not coming?” he asked and I said, “ No I’m not coming.” “Give me back my money ” he asked. It was then that something flickered in my brain and flashed like a tube light. My God! What have I got myself into? I returned the 500 Rupee note and by God’s grace he brought me back to the main road and left me.
Philip Yancey says that some people are born again breech. Truly, I think I was born again breech—head comes last for me. Anybody can easily deceive me. I often think, a fool like me cannot survive in this world without a God like my God. As they say, common sense has become uncommon. Whenever I think of this incident I am reminded of what Jesus said, that the children of this world are much wiser than the children of light (Lk 16:8). When we are invited, we think it is for prayer; when somebody gives money we think it is offering! When worldly people are so cunning, are we well equipped to counteract them?
Have you anytime prayed, “Lord, make me like a snake?” I’m sure the answer is “No.” No wonder we are senseless. Jesus said we must be harmless as the doves and wise as the snakes.
Do you remember in what context He said it ? While sending his twelve disciples for ministry He said, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. THEREFORE be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Mt 10:16). Anybody can abuse the dove and wring its head off. It will die without fighting back, without even a squeak of protest. That’s why it is called the foolish dove (Hos 7:11). Does God want us to be like that ? The serpent is very harmful as we know. God tells us to lay down the foolishness of the dove and harmfulness of the serpent and learn their innocence and shrewdness. God expects us to be a dove-snake combination. A Christian must be half dove and half snake. That’s exactly what Jesus was. He did not commit Himself to the people because he knew them (Jn 2:23,24). A little suspicion in anything is always safe.
Both these sides must go to make a Christian-Innocence and Wisdom. God is a very gentle mother and a strict disciplinarian father. The Holy Spirit is cool waters and consuming fire. Jesus is lamb and lion. He said, “I am gentle and lowly” but took the whip and thrashed the wicked left and right, black and blue. God has created us in His image and we too must possess these characteristics. We find the saints possessing both. We know Job only as a soft-spoken gentleman. But he told his wife not to talk like a foolish woman. He says he broke the jaws of the wicked (29:17). Have you anytime broken anybody’s jaw? If we do this today, we’ll be taken to the court. But do we react to wickedness in such a forcible manner? We have become muscleless, anaemic Christians, too weak, plain doves.
Let’s see a little about the ten virgins. The foolish ones must have thought, “Why carry a bottle ? If we lack we can always get from somebody else.” They were in for a crude shock.
The five wise ones refused to give them oil. They primped together, danced together, slept together; they were such close friends. The foolish might have asked, “Should you not love your neighbour as yourself?”
So, what is loving your neighbor as yourself? We must get it clear. Loving your neighbor as yourself means loving yourself first. If you don’t love yourself, how are you going to love your neighbor as yourself ? If you don’t know how to protect your own rights, how are you going to protect your neighbor’s rights ? If you let others abuse you, how are you going to prevent your neighbor being abused? If you dont know how to safeguard your eternal salvation, how are you going to lead your neighbor to eternal life?
The foolish virgins might have asked, “So, you don’t want to be friends with us? ” and the wise would have replied, “Sure, we want to be friends with you, but only thus far. We cannot risk the wedding supper for our friendship. Don’t cross the boundary. We cannot be friends with you to the point of losing the wedding celebration.”
These are last days. Our own oil is running low. We are fighting our own battles of trials and temptations. The love of many shall wax cold. Beware! There are people to drain whatever oil you are left with. They will take away your time and talent for purposes God never intended. “Can you come?” they will ask. If you say, “No,” they’ll say, “Please’’with a pathetic look on their face. Then they’ll give you 101 reasons why you should go there. First of all, ask for time to decide. Then decide firmly whether you want to go or not. Then stand by it. All you have to say is ‘No’, ‘No’, ‘No’, politely till they leave you. Some of us foolishly give away our oil. Many of us would rather risk our eternal life than risk our relationship. First we must be stewards of ourselves before we can be stewards of others.
Assertiveness is claiming our rights or refusing to give up our rights or not allowing anyone to abuse us. God is a very assertive person. He tells the waves, “Thus far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt” (Job 38:10,11). He drew the line for the waves and fixed the limits. Draw the line for your life partner, friend, boss, subordinate, child, parent, neighbour, mother-in-law, daughter -in-law or anybody. Jesus was assertive. He asked if the baptism of John was from heaven or earth. They knew they were trapped, and said, “We don’t know.” Jesus said, “I also will not tell you.” He did not say, “I also don’t know.”That’s a cowardly reply. But He was bold and assertive and said, “Neither will I tell you” (Mt 21:25). You don’t have to answer everybody’s prying questions. You can boldly say: “ I don’t need to tell you,” or ask, “Why do you want to know that ?”
Jesus said if anyone takes away your shirt, give away your banian also. Let’s say someone takes away your shirt and you give away your banian. You buy a new shirt and banian for yourself. He again takes away your shirt and again you give away your banian. The same thing repeats the third day. You should find out if he is doing shirt business and banian business. You need discernment. In the Old Testament one man who had hundred sheep took away his neighbor’s one sheep. God did not say, “You give it up.” He was terribly angry with the rich man.
The birthright was Esau’s. If we read the Bible casually we may think Esau was not earthly minded and that he generously gave away his birthright. But God was angry with him. It was a gift of God and Esau treated it lightly or contemptuously. It was an insult to God. When God has given us certain rights, He expects us to be assertive and protect our God-given rights.
Assertiveness should not turn to arrogance. It should be done will all humility, politeness and
backbone. So assertiveness is not arrogance.
We need shrewdness in all areas of life. Here we will see just two —
1.Parents and children
2. Husbands and wives.
Parents and children
Children become assertive as they grow up. They will grow more and more assertive as they grow into teenage and then adulthood. We have an apt example in the life of Jesus.
Jesus was twelve years old when He went to Jerusalem along with the family. While returning He was missing. May be Mary was pregnant and with another three or four children tugging along . They must have thought Jesus old enough to take care of Himself. Jesus went missing for three days. It was not an unplanned escape. He must have taken His tooth brush, paste, towel and change of clothes. Now I want to ask you a question — Do you think what Jesus did was right or wrong? If you say, ‘Right,’ then you must allow your twelve year old to do it. If you say, ‘Wrong,’ then you must accept that what Jesus did was wrong.
I broke my head and finally arrived at an answer. When you see your children becoming assertive, quietly watch if they are going the way you taught. If yes, then relax, but be vigilant. Jesus was after all in the Temple, not in a cinema hall. He came back and was under His parents and GREW in wisdom. That is how children grow in wisdom. We should not break their wings when they try to fly. Eggs must be hatched not smashed.
If you get off the eggs too early they get spoilt. If you sit on them too long they get smashed. You must remember, our days are not what Jesus’ days were. The world has become a very unsafe place for children.
If they become assertive and take the wrong route then you have to act. Be easy on small things like hair style and dress so that you can really be strong in matters like drugs, sex and late night parties. Don’t allow your children to push you to the wall. By twelve a child must be able to find the will of God for himself and yet be under parent’s authority.
Adult sons and daughters also should learn to be assertive with parents. As you grow up and mature, you must, with the help of parents and spiritual leaders be able to decide on major things like what course to study, whom to marry, serving God fulltime or career choice. The ultimate decision will be yours.
Husbands and wives
Husbands and wives need to learn to draw the line. Many wives get beaten up because they never learned to do this. Choose a senior couple who can help you. Then when your husband lifts his hand to beat you, stand tall, look him in the eye and boldly say that you are going to tell the couple or your pastor. If he doesn’t care, then go ahead and do it.
When one goes through difficult times often common sense flies out of the window. Lets take the example of a woman who developed a relationship with her cousin. When her husband caught her red-handed their family friendship broke. She kept blaming her husband for the soured relationship. The husband felt terribly guilty for whatever had happened. When he was counselled to put responsibility where it belonged and he realized that the relationship was broken not because of what he did but because of what she did, he was so relieved and happy. You don’t need to take up unnecessary guilt.
As much as husband and wife should have oneness of mind, they should have twoness of mind too. Never hesitate to disagree politely. Peter asked Sapphira, “How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord?” Abraham agreed with Sarah and brought forth Ishmael.
In Song of Solomon, the husband describes his wife as, ‘Fair as the moon.’ That is the ‘harmless dove’ aspect. ‘Clear as the sun’ is the serpent aspect. The Bible speaks of sound mind (NKJV) and the ability to discern. Then ‘terrible as an army with banners’ (NKJV). That again is the snake quality to react and fight to save your God-given rights. Family is one such right.
I would like to confine myself to just one aspect-Suspicion. The world has become so bad that everyone suspects everyone. You suspect her-she suspects somebody and that somebody suspects you! It is like a cat and mouse game.
Suspicion is a double-edged sword – It can heal like a surgeon’s knife or cut your own throat. It is like walking on a razor sharp edge. You don’t need to trust anyone—preacher or teacher or musician or one who fasts and prays. Everybody is human. Spiritual attraction is a very dangerous thing and we need to be doubly cautious in a spiritual atmosphere. Remember what happened in the Corinthian church.
Suspicion can be viewed from four angels-
1. You suspect someone.
By that I mean you suspect someone is after your spouse. Be alert and watchful. Suspicion should not spill over your relationships. If it does, relationships will be damaged and relationships, once damaged will be very difficult to mend. Keep praying for proof. If you find proof, act on it or else relax. Don’t die of heart burn or high blood pressure. You must also leave your spouse to fight their own battles. They may not fall for it. Most have to put up with minor flings. If they are spiritual people they will get over it soon and steady themselves. If it snowballs into a relationship you can do something about it. You don’t need to suspect everyone. For every bad person you meet there are atleast ten good people around you.
2. Someone suspects you.
That you are after their spouse. Move away from that family. Give them time to settle disputes between themselves. Keep praying for restoration of peace in the family. You need to be careful, even if you are uncle or aunty or grandpa or grandma. Wait for them to develop confidence in you.
3. You suspect your spouse.
Don’t ask, “Who are you thinking about ?” We are not mind readers. Only God can do that. We should not play God. Ultimately each person is answerable to God first. Before your spouse hurts you he/she is hurting God. Individual freedom should not be curbed. Even God did not tie the hands of Adam after giving the commandment. They must prove their love for you by choosing to be faithful to you. But certain circumstances may be too wicked and your help may be needed. If somebody wants to cheat you they can always cheat you. We are not together 24 hours a day and an adult cannot be controlled. That somebody may be a strong spiritual person and may not fall for your spouse’s overtures. So wait. Why should you soil your hands? Your spouse also may learn a lesson that they cannot play with everyone or they may be fighting their own spiritual battle.
You should not expect your spouse to be running around your feet all the time. You must give them enough latitude to relate to others. Life is laughing, joking, chatting, conversing, sharing problems, giving and receiving counsel, helping etc. If you really find anything, act on it but make sure it is not a Phantom.
The other party must also behave responsibly. If you like someone, be family friends rather than developing a personal relationship. If all of us behave above suspicion, the world will be a better place to live in and friendships can last for a lifetime!
4. Your spouse suspects you.
Sacrifice the relationship. Even if it is as dear as your right eye, pull it out. The most important person in the whole world is your spouse. Do not argue. Whether it is platonic relationship or otherwise, be done with it. No explanation is necessary for the other party. I advocate one thing - don’t touch. That can keep you off a lot of trouble.
I want to quote a few lines that I read somewhere, “Jealousy can be an ugly emotion born of insecurity and possessiveness. Yet it can be a healthy response to seeing our love endangered. Jealousy is protection for love, a reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. But we need to ask ourselves: Is the perceived threat real or not?”
The Shulamite says, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” If the voice is recorded it may not be as sweet and gentle as we imagine. She says, “Place me as a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death and jealousy as cruel as the grave” (8:6). So act with love, not jealousy. The seal over the heart is for your own realization and that on the arm is for others to see. So let love protect you, not jealousy.
How to get wisdom—
1. Pray (Js 1:5). Pray daily for wisdom. The Bible speaks so much about sound mind (NKJV) for men and women. Study and learn to be assertive.
2. Read your Bible and obey it. It is God’s wisdom. Every time you open your Bible you become a little more wiser. The more you read your Bible the wiser you become.
3. Learn from experience. In 2 Timothy 1:7 the “spirit” mentioned is not the Holy Spirit but our spirit because the ‘s’ is not capital. “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (NKJV). So, be assertive without fear; be assertive with love and not arrogantly; be assertive with backbone not weakly; be assertive with clear thinking, knowing the will of God in that matter and not in a confused state.
I want to close with a funny thing that happened in our Mission. One of our missionaries got married and straightaway came to the annual camp. We asked him how he was doing. He said, “I am in Song of Solomon.” Then they went to the field. Six months later we met him and asked how he was doing. He replied, “I am in Lamentations!” I am sure during the six months he would have had lot of revelations! It is now about twenty years and they are doing great. So, with all our problems with neighbours, friends, children, in-laws, spouses, strangers and others we will ultimately do very well. We must face the challenges of life and go ahead with God.
“Lord, make us as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
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