Parents & Children
The relationship between parents and children is one of the hot topics of the day. In a recent workshop (1992), my husband and I answered select questions on parents-children relationship. We publish those questions and answers here for a wider audience. We have tried to strike a balance between being too conservative and too liberal.
1. Who is more responsible in bringing up the children, the father or the mother?
Both are equally responsible but in different ways. Both should complement, not contradict each other. Sometimes the mother is very loving while the father is a disciplinarian. In other instances it is vice versa. In any case they should stand united before the children. They should settle their differences of opinion only in private. The responsibilities may be shared. When one takes care of Scripture teaching the other can handle school lessons. Both “rule the house” (1 Tim 3:4; 5:14; Prov 1:8).
2. My father and mother beat me with slippers. I am tempted to commit suicide. I don’t study well. How can I improve?
Do not be discouraged. When you father and mother forsake you, then the Lord will take care of you (Psa 27:10). Pray every day for wisdom and do your best (Prov 1:7; Js 1:5). Leave the rest in God’s hand. If you have any other talent, develop it. You may also consider a job or business. All great people and all rich people are not learned. Do not give in to the temptation of suicide. When God wants to use someone Satan tries to kill him. So be doubly sure that God has a bright future in store for you (1 Cor 1:26-28). It’s better that you get someone to talk to your parents.
Parents should never abuse their children. The Bible says, “In the last days men shall be without natural affection.” So we must “learn” to love our children in word and deed. This does not mean that the rod should not be handled. We should know when and how to handle the rod and our love should be more than the rod of discipline.
When a child mentions suicide, it must be taken seriously. It is good for parents to have in mind that what is expected of children today in schools is too much. The syllabus is too high. Childhood should be carefree days of fun and discovery. But it is becoming increasingly stressful. If your child is unable to cope with the ICSE or CBSC, switch over to Matriculation or better State Board syllabus. If that also is too much, allow the child to fail one year and give him moral support. (Though this is not good for the psychology of the child, finding a special school in India is next to impossible). Accept your child with whatever intelligence God has given him. Tell him you love him though he failed and that failure is nothing. Probably you should think of sending him for some vocational training (Tit 2:4; 2 Tim 3:3).
3. How can I correct my children when they mis- behave? Do I shout or beat? My one year old son does not obey me but does as he pleases.
Children push their parents to see how far they can push. You must stand firm and show that you cannot be pushed. If you have said ‘no’ to something, stand by it. Don’t give in when he cries. A one year old is capable of disobedience. A warning must be given. If he does not heed it, a sharp beating must be given with a blunt object or hand on a safe part. Establish your authority early (Prov 19:18; 29:15).
When he grows up and understands orders, clearly explain to him what you expect. Ask him to repeat it, to be sure he understood. If he still disobeys, punish him (Prov 23:13,14).
Do not punish children cruelly like locking them up in a room or beating them black and blue. Be human. May be you can deprive them of a privilege. Do not beat them in anger. It is better to plan and punish so that you will be in control of yourself (Prov 22:6).
When both the parents work outside the home, children tend to manifest rebellious and bizarre behaviour. This is due to the lack of parental love, attention and consistent discipline. Trying to discipline such children by beating may lead to further problems. What they need is the mother’s presence.
4. Can parents promise children something just to quieten them and not fulfil it?
Parents should not cheat their children by false promises. Children will lose their trust in parents. In matters small or great you should be honest with the children (Col 3:9).
5. My child is very mischievous.
It is OK for children to be mischievous as long as they don’t hurt themselves, hurt others or destroy things. Mischievous children should be encouraged to spend their energy profitably by playing in the open field, catching grasshoppers, building castles, climbing trees, etc. Parents with creative ideas can find a lot of ways to occupy their mischievous children.
6. My parents force me to take up a professional course which I don’t like.
You have the freedom to choose the subject of your liking. Try to convince your parents politely.After teenage, parents should allow the children to pursue their dreams and not try to push them into their own dreams for them. Reading from Genesis 25:25-27; 27:11, it is easy to see that the hairy baby became a hunter, a man of the field, and the smooth baby became a quiet man dwelling in tents. Babies are like saplings. You cannot make an apple sapling grow into a peach, however much you try. Your techniques will kill or distort the plant. Much the same way if we try to twist children against the genes they possess, they would be misfits where we push them. Parents must be keen to observe their children and only help and guide them along their natural development.
7. My parents never allow me to decide anything myself. They want me to do what they want. If I refuse they make a big hue and cry. I am a boy of 22.
You need to be assertive. This will be mistaken for aggressiveness in the beginning. But you can learn to be politely firm. In this confrontation with parents, sons tend to lose their temper. But you can stand in your decision without losing control of your emotions. Parents should not do all the thinking for the children. Rather they must teach teenagers to think and decide for themselves, to choose the good and shun evil. Instead of saying yes or no, help them to analyse the various aspects of the issue and decide for themselves. Is it good or is it bad? What will people think about it? How will it affect your future? Will it help you or harm you? Does it violate any of God’s laws? Will it make you feel proud of yourself? Will it make your parents feel proud of you? Etc. When they are past teenage, you can only counsel and guide them. They have to think and decide themselves.
8. My mother never allowed me to talk to girls. Now I am 20 and feel shy to talk to anyone.
It is not impossible to undo the past. Start saying “hello” to boys and girls. You will gradually pick up! Parents unconsciously damage their children by being over-protective. Teenagers should be allowed to meet at home, parties and public places. They do fall in love blindly at the turn of the teenage. But they learn to tackle their emotions that way. Keep teaching them self-control, purity and God’s will and guide them gently. Help them recover when they make mistakes instead of getting angry with them.
9. My son studying IV Std steals because I do not give him money. How can I stop this habit?
Do not keep your purse within his reach. But give him some money to spend. These days almost all the children bring money with them to school. It is natural for a child to desire to be like them. This also teaches a child to handle money. This year instead of buying him gifts for Christmas, give him the specified amount, take him to the bazaar and allow him to buy whatever he wants. Don’t pressurize him to buy what you think is best.
10. My disobedient children run away when I try to punish them.
Run faster and catch them! (Prov 22:15).
11. If parents belong to different religions, how can they bring up the children?
Timothy’s father was a Greek and mother a Jewish Christian. It is very obvious that Timothy was greatly influenced by the mother. The Christian parent should do his or her best (Acts 16:1; 2 Tim 1:5).
12. Our children do not take corrections in the right way.
After you punish them, don’t hold a grudge or keep on reminding them of what they did. Become natural and friendly soon. Don’t hesitate to ask forgiveness if you wrongly corrected or punished them. They need to be respected. Keep your emotions under control when you correct or punish them, especially anger. With all this still they may be upset when you correct. You should not mind that (Heb 12:11).
13. Since my parents are no more I am living with my wife’s parents who are unconverted. So my son sings cine songs. I am worried.
Hi baby, crawl out of your cradle and grow up. It is time you set up your own home.
14. My daughter is willing to marry a believer of any caste. She does not even demand good looks. But believers demand dowry, jewels and marry only in their caste. How can I, a Hindu convert, get my daughter married?
It is a tragedy that casteism and covetousness continue to cancerate Christian society. Such parents should seek the help of their pastors. Better still, the girl is allowed to meet Christian young men and marry the one she likes. Believers should take a bold stand against social evils (Rom 10:12)
15. My mother and my wife clash on everything. How to manage them?
Have your umbilical cord cut in a good clinic by an experienced doctor using sterile instruments! (Eph 5:31).
16. I have decided to serve the Lord fulltime. But my parents do not allow me to go. I am confused.
You have the right to choose your career. Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his father and mother, he cannot be My disciple.” When you want to truly follow the Lord, there will be problems in the family. Everyone will not be happy about your decision. That’s why Jesus immediately added, “And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple” (Lk 14:26,27).
17. My children always fight among themselves.
Sibling rivalry started with the first two children, Cain and Abel. We see it consistently in the Bible between Ishmael and Isaac, Esau and Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, etc. Best is not to interfere in their politics unless they become violent. Parents should not show partiality or compare one with the other inciting jealousy (Gen 25:28; 37:3,4).
18. My daughter does not allow me to sleep with my husband. Why?
You have not mentioned the age of the child. It may be that she feels lonely without you or has problem with the ones she sleeps with. Try buying her a pet and try to find out if she has any problem in her bedroom.
19. Our children are average in studies, good in the Scriptures, and stand first in their Sunday class. But when we rebuke them they cry and refuse to talk to us.
It is obvious that your children are good and do their best to please you. Therefore you should not break their spirit. May be you should counsel them lovingly instead of rebuking them. Childishness is part of growing up and needs just some gentle counsel or general teaching not related to their behaviour. At this time you must win them over by your love. Praise them for their performance. It is good to take them out once a week to a park, circus or exhibition and let them enjoy themselves. Too much of discipline discourages them (Col 3:21).
20. I want to have our family prayer before 5 in the morning. But my children are willing to come only after six. Help me.
Morning five is the time for “your” personal devotion. Moreover children need more sleep. You should be available when “they” are ready (Gen 33:14; Isa 40:11).
21. My 13 year old son is good in sports but neglects his studies.
At this age he cannot afford to neglect his studies. Children need a basic education. They must finish school and if possible graduate. You must be strict with his studies and at the same time encourage his sports activities (Acts 22:3 Note: Tarsus was a sports centre).
22. My 15 year old daughter is still childish and does not take interest in her studies. After correcting her once or twice, when she repeats the same I get irritated and beat her. Her grades are coming down.
It is better to stop your harsh methods. Open your mouth with wisdom and let the law of kindness be in your tongue (Prov 31:26). Don’t force her to do anything. Once you relax and leave her alone she will feel more responsible. She may fail a year. But that will be a valuable lesson for life. In any case do not beat her. Ignore her childish behaviour. She may even do certain things to irritate you. In general, concentrate on developing a good relationship with her by way of loving and caring. That way you will have plenty of opportunities to teach through the Bible examples or from incidents from your life or a story you read. Once she knows you love her, she will listen. It was Jephtha’s love that made the teenager to sacrifice her life for her father’s sake (Jud 11:36).
23. Since I am serving the Lord, I am unable to spend quality time with my children.
You must set your priorities. God first, family next, ministry third. Saying ‘no’ to some invitations may look like a loss. But losing your children is worse. Eli and Samuel were great ministers of God. But their ministry died with them. But concerning Abraham God said, “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him” (Gen 18:19). God has the same confidence in you that He may bless your children. The blessing of Abraham is still flowing to us.
It may look like a waste of time when you play with the children or take a day or two off to be with your family after a hectic programme. Some may even criticize you for that. But you need not feel guilty about it. Don’t accept programmes on all weekends.
24. I nurtured my son in all godly ways, teaching the Bible at home, taking him to church and Sunday school. I prayed for him regularly. He is now an adolescent and gone astray. Where have I failed?
Parents are commanded to admonish and nurture their children in the fear of God. However God holds the child responsible for his choice. The sovereign will of God also should not be forgotten. Children of drunkards have turned servants of God and children of servants of God have turned drunkards in spite of their upbringing. Of three children brought up under the same roof and tutelage, two may get saved and one go astray. So stop feeling guilty. Your son is personally accountable to God. Claim the promises of God and be praying for him. Remember, salvation is of the Lord.
25. When I am a believer and my parents are not, how can I consult them on major issues? Will it not lead me astray?
Children need not necessarily be led astray by parents who are not saved. Parents love their children and want to do their best for them. Their knowledge about the world is more. So it is wise to consult them. But the final decision should be yours if you are an adult. Pray for God’s guidance. Consider what your parents say. Understand what the Bible teaches on that subject. Use your common sense and do what you feel is best for you. Your spiritual leader may be consulted for major decisions (Col 3:20; Eph 6:1- 3).
26. I am a teacher, believer, 26 years old, in love with a believer girl for quite some years. But our families do not agree for our marriage.
In Indian marriages, families are involved. It’s not just coming together of two individuals. So it will be a good testimony if you wait for a year or two with prayer. Get your pastor or a godly family to talk to your parents. Still if it does not work out then you have to get married with the help of a pastor and other believers. Many boys ditch the girls because of parental pressure. It is not right. When you were a child, you spoke as a child, understood as a child and thought as a child; but when you become a man, you must put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11).
When parents know that their children in marriageable age are in love they must come together and finalise the matter. Grown-up children are responsible for their lives.
27. Why do parents curb our freedom?
Till the age of twelve you need a lot of protection and so parents keep you under strict control. After twelve, it is natural for you to long for freedom. However, you are just taking off into the world and do not know the dangers that await you. So it is natural for parents not to let you go on your own. You must first earn their trust. Bring your friends home and introduce them to your parents. If they are the clean sort, I’m sure your parents would let you go out with them to a safe place. Specify the time of return and be back on the dot. Tell them in detail all that happened. That way, parents learn to trust you. As you grow up they will increase the time of your outing and if you prove trustworthy they may even send you out of town for a day or two. This gradual release helps you to know what the world is and be cautious. The great anxiety of parents is that you should not damage your life, which is legitimate. So consult them on any major move. You are safe that way (Lam 3:27).
One reason why parents do not give freedom to teenagers is that the latter want freedom without responsibilities. The next question has some more answers for you.
28. How to deal with irresponsible teenagers?
Many teenagers want to swim across adolescence sweeping the privileges but shunning the responsibilities of adulthood. Parents should be careful to give both. Whenever you allow them toenjoy a privilege, attach to it a responsibility. When they want pets, buy them pets on condition they completely take care of them. Allow them to watch TV only if they had studied their day’s lessons. Give them permission to go out with friends if they help at home. If they demand any expensive item give them some responsibility at home by which they can help you, get paid and use the money. If they behave irresponsibly, cut down on their privileges. Dispose off the pets if they don’t keep them clean. If they fail in tests, do not allow them to watch TV and so on. Children will get angry. But parents should face it (2 Thess 3:10).
Some teenagers are very responsible in one area neglecting the other. A sportsman may not study. Another may be academically brilliant but refuse to help at home. One who attends all religious meetings and goes out winning his friends for God, may not shine in any other area. Such children should be treated with understanding. Appreciate their excellence, gently encouraging them to do the other also.
29.My teenage daughter often locks herself in her room and doesn’t mingle with others.
Teenagers do that. They demand privacy. It must be respected. Leave her alone and concentrate on improving your relationship (Col 3:14). Try inviting her friends more often.
30. I used to punish my son very severely. I realise my mistake now and try to convince him of my love. But he continues to hate me.
We are all human, we all make mistakes. But when we feel sorry for what we did, God is sure to be on our side. Just continue to show sincere love to your son without reference to the past. God will touch him soon. Love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).
31. My father always quotes Ephesians 6:1 and I always quote Ephesians 6:4. We both are Spirit-filled, active believers but our horns are always locked.
Children are asked to honour their parents. So they must obey their parents if their command does not in any way contradict the Scriptures or the will of God in their lives. When you feel you disobey God by obeying your parents, you must politely tell them without showing any irritation or using bad words. Be firm, not rude.
Parents need to show common courtesies like ‘hello, thank you, sorry, please, etc’ to children. If they are treated with respect it is easier to handle them. There is a hard side and a soft side for love. Some parents are always tough and break fragile children. Some are always soft and spoil the children. Parents should discern when to be tough and when to be gentle with the children.
32. My two children do not learn their lessons or the Bible inspite of all the efforts I take.
Choose a time when the children are fresh. They should have some time to play and relax after school. Put more life into your teaching. Have pictures. Show them as you teach. Never try to teach about a flower without a flower. Pull out a plant to show the parts of a root. Grow seeds at home to show germination. Bring in a frog’s egg and let them watch the tadpoles grow into frogs. Help them collect eggs, feathers, butterflies and beetles. This dimension is very much missing in schools and homes as well, these days. Jesus spoke to people in open fields showing the flowers and birds and therefore held their attention and drove home the truth (Mt 6:26,28).
Some strictness is also necessary during study hours. Try rewarding them when they do well.
33. Can I be baptised without my parents’ permission?
Yes, if you are above 12 and if you understand what you are doing (Lk 2:49).
34. Though we obey our parents, we are not appreciated.
Did you ever appreciate your Mummy for the meals she cooked or your Dad for paying your school fees? These things are taken for granted. Why don’t you start appreciating them first?
It is very important that parents appreciate their children. It will work wonders. It is better than criticism or even scolding. Appreciation helps develop a bond between you and the child and opens up the channel for proper communication. Even during your family prayers instead of praying for the children to become better, try thanking God for them and their good things (1 Sam 14:44,45).
35. How can children be disciplined regarding TV?
Maximum number of questions is from concerned parents about TV. That shows it is number one problem today. Small children should not have free access to TV. It is best to have the TV under lock and key. Parents should decide what programmes children should watch and when. If they do not read their Bible and pray, do not do well in their studies, they should be deprived of TV. On the other hand if a child in general is obedient he/she should not be deprived of a good programme on petty grounds. Parents should now and then watch TV with their children and use the time to teach them what they should not watch and when to switch off the tube. Children should not be allowed to stay back at home to watch TV during church service. If you cannot command them that much, then you have lost your authority at home. The father is the head of the home and should “rule” his house, “having his children in subjection” (1 Tim 3:4). In many homes it is the parents who want to watch films and therefore have no control over the children!
36. How about serials in TV or secular songs which my teenage son enjoys?
Go easy with teenagers as long as it is not a vice. There will be other areas where parents will have to be very strict with a teenager. Taking it easy in ordinary things will help you grip him on more serious matters like drugs and sex.
37. Can I beat my daughter if she does not read the Bible?
Beating, shouting, screaming, etc., cause a lot of unpleasantness. Instead you can institute a rule at home that breakfast will be served only after Bible reading. The mother or father (whoever is in charge) must know what portion the child is reading. He must ask one or two questions from that portion to see if the child has read the portion attentively and understood. He must spend a few minutes teaching that portion in an interesting way. If morning is difficult it may be done before dinner. It will be difficult to let a child go without food. But it is better than sending him to hell (Dt 6:7).
38. What can I do about my unsaved father who is leading a most irresponsible life, hurting all of us?
You cannot do much when an adult behaves irresponsibily. The best you can do is to pray for him (Acts 16:31).
39. Children demand things which we cannot afford.
Do not try to satisfy your children by giving in to all their demands. Children must learn to accept ‘No’s. It is better to train them to live with less (Phil 4:11,12). Then life will be easier for them in the future.
40. How can I know that I have the gift to remain single (1 Cor 7:7)? If I decide to remain single how can I break the news to my parents who are searching a groom for me?
You may decide to remain single but you need not tell anyone that you have such a gift. You may tell your parents that you are not interested in getting married now and ask them not to hunt for grooms. At a later date when you meet someone you like, you can always consider marriage.
To lead a single life is not easy, though not impossible. Many girls put off marriage and when they desire to marry (when loneliness gets the better of them) they find themselves not looking youthful. Boys usually marry around 25 years and prefer girls 2 to 5 years younger. So if you pass the age of 25 your choice gets narrowed down. After 30 it becomes rather too difficult to find a partner for you. So you must weigh the pros and cons before taking such a decision. In any case you should not be a burden to your ageing parents (Gen 2:24; 1 Cor 7:34,35).
41. I have no voice in choosing my life partner. Whenever I attempt to communicate they ask me to shut up. Why? They even threaten me.
This is the cry of many young girls. Parents must understand that it is she who is going to marry the boy, not they. They must only help her. They must know the mind of the girl as to what sort of person she would like to marry. They must wait patiently till the girl willingly and happily agrees to marry the boy of her choice. They should not force her to marry someone she does not like. As early as 1900 B.C. girls had a say in their marriage. Rebekah’s mother and brother called her and asked her and only when she accepted, sent her to marry Isaac. How can parents ask their daughters to shut up? (Gen 24:57,58).
42. I married the girl I loved. My mother was totally against it and treated me very badly. Now she feels sorry. But I am unable to forgive her.
You don’t gain anything by holding a grudge. Please be reconciled (Col 3:13).
43.I am a believer. But my parents are still wor- shipping idols. They cannot find a suitable partner for me. Though I fellowship with other believers I feel lonely at home and in my society.
Becoming a believer of the Lord Jesus Christ should not isolate you from your family or society. Be free with them. Be happy, playful, fun-loving, sociable, helping. But keep yourself from idols. That way there is a good chance of winning them over to the Lord (Lk 8:39). Seek the help of your pastor or a spiritual leader in finding your life partner.
44. My sons refuse to take up jobs far from home. If I encourage them, they say I chase them from home.
You may try cutting down on their expenses one by one. Stop buying them clothes and other things. Do not give them pocket money. Unless parents harden their hearts and do that, they are not helping their sons. The eagle literally dismantles the nest to teach the eaglets to fly. Otherwise those eaglets will sit comfortably in the nest, expecting the parents to bring food and put it in their mouth for as long as possible (Dt 32:11).
45. We want our son to become a missionary. But he doesn’t want to.
You can never compel him. He must ultimately of his own free will choose his career.
46. How early can a child be saved?
The kingdom of God belongs to little children. So all babies who die go to heaven. As they grow up they learn bad habits and are by nature disobedient. But if parents are strict and at the same time loving they can be trained well. Even before the age of three children can be taught to believe in Jesus and love Him. Then the child can grow in the knowledge and fear of God. So a baby can grow into the kingdom of God without getting lost on the way. But we must wait till the child reaches the age of accountability to baptize him.
47. How to prevent my saved daughter from falling in sin (love)?
It is impossible. You must first of all understand that falling in love is not sin. At this age they keep falling in love over and over again. It is a growth process. We don’t advocate dating. It is like allowing children to play with fire. However don’t keep her isolated from boys. Let her get to know them at home, family functions and social gatherings. Spend time with her on happy chats like going for a stroll with her, helping her with whatever she likes to do, or enjoying what she enjoys. You must be very loving to her so that she will be free to tell you everything or ask you anything. This relationship must be built up from early years. Give her some books to read. Watch TV or some video cassettes involving teenagers (like Sound of Music) with her. That helps you to share with her about love, sex, sex organs, pregnancy, the dignity of motherhood, menstruation, how to choose her life partner (her role and the parents role), etc. They must grow up to respect their own sex and the opposite sex. Mothers must read Woman’s Era Magazine and give some selected articles to their teenagers.
Teenagers should not make the blunder of falling in love n school days. Don’t argue quoting Jacob and Rachel. If you are prepared to tend sheep like them then it is alright! Nowadays it is very difficult to come up in life without a good education. Start thinking about your marriage after your studies.
48. We do not have an issue. Can we adopt?
By all means. Please adopt as many as possible. It is a God-pleasing ministry. One man pities an orphan and the race of Israel was saved (Esth 2:7).
49. How to lead a child to salvation?
baby should be taken to the church as early and as regularly as possible. The baby should be present in family prayers. When he learns to say ‘mama, dada,’ he may be taught to say ‘Jesus.’ Gradually more words like ‘God is love’ may be taught. By 2-3 years he is attention span is more especially with the Children’s Bible. Teach from Genesis to Revelation in an interesting way with expressions and you’ll have enough stories to tell for five years, daily. Be systematic, sincere and prayerful. When he learns alphabets in school he may be made to read one sentence a days from the Children’s Bible and then gradually increased. (2 Tim 3:15).
50. We are bringing up our children in the fear of God, counting on His promises. But we are afraid we may lose them in this wicked world.
God has many many names. But when it comes to bringing up children, His name is “WONDERFUL!” Hold on to it! (Judg 13:18).
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
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Parents & Children
The relationship between parents and children is one of the hot topics of the day. In a recent workshop (1992), my husband and I answered select questions on parents-children relationship. We publish those questions and answers here for a wider audience. We have tried to strike a balance between being too conservative and too liberal.
1. Who is more responsible in bringing up the children, the father or the mother?
Both are equally responsible but in different ways. Both should complement, not contradict each other. Sometimes the mother is very loving while the father is a disciplinarian. In other instances it is vice versa. In any case they should stand united before the children. They should settle their differences of opinion only in private. The responsibilities may be shared. When one takes care of Scripture teaching the other can handle school lessons. Both “rule the house” (1 Tim 3:4; 5:14; Prov 1:8).
2. My father and mother beat me with slippers. I am tempted to commit suicide. I don’t study well. How can I improve?
Do not be discouraged. When you father and mother forsake you, then the Lord will take care of you (Psa 27:10). Pray every day for wisdom and do your best (Prov 1:7; Js 1:5). Leave the rest in God’s hand. If you have any other talent, develop it. You may also consider a job or business. All great people and all rich people are not learned. Do not give in to the temptation of suicide. When God wants to use someone Satan tries to kill him. So be doubly sure that God has a bright future in store for you (1 Cor 1:26-28). It’s better that you get someone to talk to your parents.
Parents should never abuse their children. The Bible says, “In the last days men shall be without natural affection.” So we must “learn” to love our children in word and deed. This does not mean that the rod should not be handled. We should know when and how to handle the rod and our love should be more than the rod of discipline.
When a child mentions suicide, it must be taken seriously. It is good for parents to have in mind that what is expected of children today in schools is too much. The syllabus is too high. Childhood should be carefree days of fun and discovery. But it is becoming increasingly stressful. If your child is unable to cope with the ICSE or CBSC, switch over to Matriculation or better State Board syllabus. If that also is too much, allow the child to fail one year and give him moral support. (Though this is not good for the psychology of the child, finding a special school in India is next to impossible). Accept your child with whatever intelligence God has given him. Tell him you love him though he failed and that failure is nothing. Probably you should think of sending him for some vocational training (Tit 2:4; 2 Tim 3:3).
3. How can I correct my children when they mis- behave? Do I shout or beat? My one year old son does not obey me but does as he pleases.
Children push their parents to see how far they can push. You must stand firm and show that you cannot be pushed. If you have said ‘no’ to something, stand by it. Don’t give in when he cries. A one year old is capable of disobedience. A warning must be given. If he does not heed it, a sharp beating must be given with a blunt object or hand on a safe part. Establish your authority early (Prov 19:18; 29:15).
When he grows up and understands orders, clearly explain to him what you expect. Ask him to repeat it, to be sure he understood. If he still disobeys, punish him (Prov 23:13,14).
Do not punish children cruelly like locking them up in a room or beating them black and blue. Be human. May be you can deprive them of a privilege. Do not beat them in anger. It is better to plan and punish so that you will be in control of yourself (Prov 22:6).
When both the parents work outside the home, children tend to manifest rebellious and bizarre behaviour. This is due to the lack of parental love, attention and consistent discipline. Trying to discipline such children by beating may lead to further problems. What they need is the mother’s presence.
4. Can parents promise children something just to quieten them and not fulfil it?
Parents should not cheat their children by false promises. Children will lose their trust in parents. In matters small or great you should be honest with the children (Col 3:9).
5. My child is very mischievous.
It is OK for children to be mischievous as long as they don’t hurt themselves, hurt others or destroy things. Mischievous children should be encouraged to spend their energy profitably by playing in the open field, catching grasshoppers, building castles, climbing trees, etc. Parents with creative ideas can find a lot of ways to occupy their mischievous children.
6. My parents force me to take up a professional course which I don’t like.
You have the freedom to choose the subject of your liking. Try to convince your parents politely.After teenage, parents should allow the children to pursue their dreams and not try to push them into their own dreams for them. Reading from Genesis 25:25-27; 27:11, it is easy to see that the hairy baby became a hunter, a man of the field, and the smooth baby became a quiet man dwelling in tents. Babies are like saplings. You cannot make an apple sapling grow into a peach, however much you try. Your techniques will kill or distort the plant. Much the same way if we try to twist children against the genes they possess, they would be misfits where we push them. Parents must be keen to observe their children and only help and guide them along their natural development.
7. My parents never allow me to decide anything myself. They want me to do what they want. If I refuse they make a big hue and cry. I am a boy of 22.
You need to be assertive. This will be mistaken for aggressiveness in the beginning. But you can learn to be politely firm. In this confrontation with parents, sons tend to lose their temper. But you can stand in your decision without losing control of your emotions. Parents should not do all the thinking for the children. Rather they must teach teenagers to think and decide for themselves, to choose the good and shun evil. Instead of saying yes or no, help them to analyse the various aspects of the issue and decide for themselves. Is it good or is it bad? What will people think about it? How will it affect your future? Will it help you or harm you? Does it violate any of God’s laws? Will it make you feel proud of yourself? Will it make your parents feel proud of you? Etc. When they are past teenage, you can only counsel and guide them. They have to think and decide themselves.
8. My mother never allowed me to talk to girls. Now I am 20 and feel shy to talk to anyone.
It is not impossible to undo the past. Start saying “hello” to boys and girls. You will gradually pick up! Parents unconsciously damage their children by being over-protective. Teenagers should be allowed to meet at home, parties and public places. They do fall in love blindly at the turn of the teenage. But they learn to tackle their emotions that way. Keep teaching them self-control, purity and God’s will and guide them gently. Help them recover when they make mistakes instead of getting angry with them.
9. My son studying IV Std steals because I do not give him money. How can I stop this habit?
Do not keep your purse within his reach. But give him some money to spend. These days almost all the children bring money with them to school. It is natural for a child to desire to be like them. This also teaches a child to handle money. This year instead of buying him gifts for Christmas, give him the specified amount, take him to the bazaar and allow him to buy whatever he wants. Don’t pressurize him to buy what you think is best.
10. My disobedient children run away when I try to punish them.
Run faster and catch them! (Prov 22:15).
11. If parents belong to different religions, how can they bring up the children?
Timothy’s father was a Greek and mother a Jewish Christian. It is very obvious that Timothy was greatly influenced by the mother. The Christian parent should do his or her best (Acts 16:1; 2 Tim 1:5).
12. Our children do not take corrections in the right way.
After you punish them, don’t hold a grudge or keep on reminding them of what they did. Become natural and friendly soon. Don’t hesitate to ask forgiveness if you wrongly corrected or punished them. They need to be respected. Keep your emotions under control when you correct or punish them, especially anger. With all this still they may be upset when you correct. You should not mind that (Heb 12:11).
13. Since my parents are no more I am living with my wife’s parents who are unconverted. So my son sings cine songs. I am worried.
Hi baby, crawl out of your cradle and grow up. It is time you set up your own home.
14. My daughter is willing to marry a believer of any caste. She does not even demand good looks. But believers demand dowry, jewels and marry only in their caste. How can I, a Hindu convert, get my daughter married?
It is a tragedy that casteism and covetousness continue to cancerate Christian society. Such parents should seek the help of their pastors. Better still, the girl is allowed to meet Christian young men and marry the one she likes. Believers should take a bold stand against social evils (Rom 10:12)
15. My mother and my wife clash on everything. How to manage them?
Have your umbilical cord cut in a good clinic by an experienced doctor using sterile instruments! (Eph 5:31).
16. I have decided to serve the Lord fulltime. But my parents do not allow me to go. I am confused.
You have the right to choose your career. Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his father and mother, he cannot be My disciple.” When you want to truly follow the Lord, there will be problems in the family. Everyone will not be happy about your decision. That’s why Jesus immediately added, “And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple” (Lk 14:26,27).
17. My children always fight among themselves.
Sibling rivalry started with the first two children, Cain and Abel. We see it consistently in the Bible between Ishmael and Isaac, Esau and Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, etc. Best is not to interfere in their politics unless they become violent. Parents should not show partiality or compare one with the other inciting jealousy (Gen 25:28; 37:3,4).
18. My daughter does not allow me to sleep with my husband. Why?
You have not mentioned the age of the child. It may be that she feels lonely without you or has problem with the ones she sleeps with. Try buying her a pet and try to find out if she has any problem in her bedroom.
19. Our children are average in studies, good in the Scriptures, and stand first in their Sunday class. But when we rebuke them they cry and refuse to talk to us.
It is obvious that your children are good and do their best to please you. Therefore you should not break their spirit. May be you should counsel them lovingly instead of rebuking them. Childishness is part of growing up and needs just some gentle counsel or general teaching not related to their behaviour. At this time you must win them over by your love. Praise them for their performance. It is good to take them out once a week to a park, circus or exhibition and let them enjoy themselves. Too much of discipline discourages them (Col 3:21).
20. I want to have our family prayer before 5 in the morning. But my children are willing to come only after six. Help me.
Morning five is the time for “your” personal devotion. Moreover children need more sleep. You should be available when “they” are ready (Gen 33:14; Isa 40:11).
21. My 13 year old son is good in sports but neglects his studies.
At this age he cannot afford to neglect his studies. Children need a basic education. They must finish school and if possible graduate. You must be strict with his studies and at the same time encourage his sports activities (Acts 22:3 Note: Tarsus was a sports centre).
22. My 15 year old daughter is still childish and does not take interest in her studies. After correcting her once or twice, when she repeats the same I get irritated and beat her. Her grades are coming down.
It is better to stop your harsh methods. Open your mouth with wisdom and let the law of kindness be in your tongue (Prov 31:26). Don’t force her to do anything. Once you relax and leave her alone she will feel more responsible. She may fail a year. But that will be a valuable lesson for life. In any case do not beat her. Ignore her childish behaviour. She may even do certain things to irritate you. In general, concentrate on developing a good relationship with her by way of loving and caring. That way you will have plenty of opportunities to teach through the Bible examples or from incidents from your life or a story you read. Once she knows you love her, she will listen. It was Jephtha’s love that made the teenager to sacrifice her life for her father’s sake (Jud 11:36).
23. Since I am serving the Lord, I am unable to spend quality time with my children.
You must set your priorities. God first, family next, ministry third. Saying ‘no’ to some invitations may look like a loss. But losing your children is worse. Eli and Samuel were great ministers of God. But their ministry died with them. But concerning Abraham God said, “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him” (Gen 18:19). God has the same confidence in you that He may bless your children. The blessing of Abraham is still flowing to us.
It may look like a waste of time when you play with the children or take a day or two off to be with your family after a hectic programme. Some may even criticize you for that. But you need not feel guilty about it. Don’t accept programmes on all weekends.
24. I nurtured my son in all godly ways, teaching the Bible at home, taking him to church and Sunday school. I prayed for him regularly. He is now an adolescent and gone astray. Where have I failed?
Parents are commanded to admonish and nurture their children in the fear of God. However God holds the child responsible for his choice. The sovereign will of God also should not be forgotten. Children of drunkards have turned servants of God and children of servants of God have turned drunkards in spite of their upbringing. Of three children brought up under the same roof and tutelage, two may get saved and one go astray. So stop feeling guilty. Your son is personally accountable to God. Claim the promises of God and be praying for him. Remember, salvation is of the Lord.
25. When I am a believer and my parents are not, how can I consult them on major issues? Will it not lead me astray?
Children need not necessarily be led astray by parents who are not saved. Parents love their children and want to do their best for them. Their knowledge about the world is more. So it is wise to consult them. But the final decision should be yours if you are an adult. Pray for God’s guidance. Consider what your parents say. Understand what the Bible teaches on that subject. Use your common sense and do what you feel is best for you. Your spiritual leader may be consulted for major decisions (Col 3:20; Eph 6:1- 3).
26. I am a teacher, believer, 26 years old, in love with a believer girl for quite some years. But our families do not agree for our marriage.
In Indian marriages, families are involved. It’s not just coming together of two individuals. So it will be a good testimony if you wait for a year or two with prayer. Get your pastor or a godly family to talk to your parents. Still if it does not work out then you have to get married with the help of a pastor and other believers. Many boys ditch the girls because of parental pressure. It is not right. When you were a child, you spoke as a child, understood as a child and thought as a child; but when you become a man, you must put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11).
When parents know that their children in marriageable age are in love they must come together and finalise the matter. Grown-up children are responsible for their lives.
27. Why do parents curb our freedom?
Till the age of twelve you need a lot of protection and so parents keep you under strict control. After twelve, it is natural for you to long for freedom. However, you are just taking off into the world and do not know the dangers that await you. So it is natural for parents not to let you go on your own. You must first earn their trust. Bring your friends home and introduce them to your parents. If they are the clean sort, I’m sure your parents would let you go out with them to a safe place. Specify the time of return and be back on the dot. Tell them in detail all that happened. That way, parents learn to trust you. As you grow up they will increase the time of your outing and if you prove trustworthy they may even send you out of town for a day or two. This gradual release helps you to know what the world is and be cautious. The great anxiety of parents is that you should not damage your life, which is legitimate. So consult them on any major move. You are safe that way (Lam 3:27).
One reason why parents do not give freedom to teenagers is that the latter want freedom without responsibilities. The next question has some more answers for you.
28. How to deal with irresponsible teenagers?
Many teenagers want to swim across adolescence sweeping the privileges but shunning the responsibilities of adulthood. Parents should be careful to give both. Whenever you allow them toenjoy a privilege, attach to it a responsibility. When they want pets, buy them pets on condition they completely take care of them. Allow them to watch TV only if they had studied their day’s lessons. Give them permission to go out with friends if they help at home. If they demand any expensive item give them some responsibility at home by which they can help you, get paid and use the money. If they behave irresponsibly, cut down on their privileges. Dispose off the pets if they don’t keep them clean. If they fail in tests, do not allow them to watch TV and so on. Children will get angry. But parents should face it (2 Thess 3:10).
Some teenagers are very responsible in one area neglecting the other. A sportsman may not study. Another may be academically brilliant but refuse to help at home. One who attends all religious meetings and goes out winning his friends for God, may not shine in any other area. Such children should be treated with understanding. Appreciate their excellence, gently encouraging them to do the other also.
29.My teenage daughter often locks herself in her room and doesn’t mingle with others.
Teenagers do that. They demand privacy. It must be respected. Leave her alone and concentrate on improving your relationship (Col 3:14). Try inviting her friends more often.
30. I used to punish my son very severely. I realise my mistake now and try to convince him of my love. But he continues to hate me.
We are all human, we all make mistakes. But when we feel sorry for what we did, God is sure to be on our side. Just continue to show sincere love to your son without reference to the past. God will touch him soon. Love never fails (1 Cor 13:8).
31. My father always quotes Ephesians 6:1 and I always quote Ephesians 6:4. We both are Spirit-filled, active believers but our horns are always locked.
Children are asked to honour their parents. So they must obey their parents if their command does not in any way contradict the Scriptures or the will of God in their lives. When you feel you disobey God by obeying your parents, you must politely tell them without showing any irritation or using bad words. Be firm, not rude.
Parents need to show common courtesies like ‘hello, thank you, sorry, please, etc’ to children. If they are treated with respect it is easier to handle them. There is a hard side and a soft side for love. Some parents are always tough and break fragile children. Some are always soft and spoil the children. Parents should discern when to be tough and when to be gentle with the children.
32. My two children do not learn their lessons or the Bible inspite of all the efforts I take.
Choose a time when the children are fresh. They should have some time to play and relax after school. Put more life into your teaching. Have pictures. Show them as you teach. Never try to teach about a flower without a flower. Pull out a plant to show the parts of a root. Grow seeds at home to show germination. Bring in a frog’s egg and let them watch the tadpoles grow into frogs. Help them collect eggs, feathers, butterflies and beetles. This dimension is very much missing in schools and homes as well, these days. Jesus spoke to people in open fields showing the flowers and birds and therefore held their attention and drove home the truth (Mt 6:26,28).
Some strictness is also necessary during study hours. Try rewarding them when they do well.
33. Can I be baptised without my parents’ permission?
Yes, if you are above 12 and if you understand what you are doing (Lk 2:49).
34. Though we obey our parents, we are not appreciated.
Did you ever appreciate your Mummy for the meals she cooked or your Dad for paying your school fees? These things are taken for granted. Why don’t you start appreciating them first?
It is very important that parents appreciate their children. It will work wonders. It is better than criticism or even scolding. Appreciation helps develop a bond between you and the child and opens up the channel for proper communication. Even during your family prayers instead of praying for the children to become better, try thanking God for them and their good things (1 Sam 14:44,45).
35. How can children be disciplined regarding TV?
Maximum number of questions is from concerned parents about TV. That shows it is number one problem today. Small children should not have free access to TV. It is best to have the TV under lock and key. Parents should decide what programmes children should watch and when. If they do not read their Bible and pray, do not do well in their studies, they should be deprived of TV. On the other hand if a child in general is obedient he/she should not be deprived of a good programme on petty grounds. Parents should now and then watch TV with their children and use the time to teach them what they should not watch and when to switch off the tube. Children should not be allowed to stay back at home to watch TV during church service. If you cannot command them that much, then you have lost your authority at home. The father is the head of the home and should “rule” his house, “having his children in subjection” (1 Tim 3:4). In many homes it is the parents who want to watch films and therefore have no control over the children!
36. How about serials in TV or secular songs which my teenage son enjoys?
Go easy with teenagers as long as it is not a vice. There will be other areas where parents will have to be very strict with a teenager. Taking it easy in ordinary things will help you grip him on more serious matters like drugs and sex.
37. Can I beat my daughter if she does not read the Bible?
Beating, shouting, screaming, etc., cause a lot of unpleasantness. Instead you can institute a rule at home that breakfast will be served only after Bible reading. The mother or father (whoever is in charge) must know what portion the child is reading. He must ask one or two questions from that portion to see if the child has read the portion attentively and understood. He must spend a few minutes teaching that portion in an interesting way. If morning is difficult it may be done before dinner. It will be difficult to let a child go without food. But it is better than sending him to hell (Dt 6:7).
38. What can I do about my unsaved father who is leading a most irresponsible life, hurting all of us?
You cannot do much when an adult behaves irresponsibily. The best you can do is to pray for him (Acts 16:31).
39. Children demand things which we cannot afford.
Do not try to satisfy your children by giving in to all their demands. Children must learn to accept ‘No’s. It is better to train them to live with less (Phil 4:11,12). Then life will be easier for them in the future.
40. How can I know that I have the gift to remain single (1 Cor 7:7)? If I decide to remain single how can I break the news to my parents who are searching a groom for me?
You may decide to remain single but you need not tell anyone that you have such a gift. You may tell your parents that you are not interested in getting married now and ask them not to hunt for grooms. At a later date when you meet someone you like, you can always consider marriage.
To lead a single life is not easy, though not impossible. Many girls put off marriage and when they desire to marry (when loneliness gets the better of them) they find themselves not looking youthful. Boys usually marry around 25 years and prefer girls 2 to 5 years younger. So if you pass the age of 25 your choice gets narrowed down. After 30 it becomes rather too difficult to find a partner for you. So you must weigh the pros and cons before taking such a decision. In any case you should not be a burden to your ageing parents (Gen 2:24; 1 Cor 7:34,35).
41. I have no voice in choosing my life partner. Whenever I attempt to communicate they ask me to shut up. Why? They even threaten me.
This is the cry of many young girls. Parents must understand that it is she who is going to marry the boy, not they. They must only help her. They must know the mind of the girl as to what sort of person she would like to marry. They must wait patiently till the girl willingly and happily agrees to marry the boy of her choice. They should not force her to marry someone she does not like. As early as 1900 B.C. girls had a say in their marriage. Rebekah’s mother and brother called her and asked her and only when she accepted, sent her to marry Isaac. How can parents ask their daughters to shut up? (Gen 24:57,58).
42. I married the girl I loved. My mother was totally against it and treated me very badly. Now she feels sorry. But I am unable to forgive her.
You don’t gain anything by holding a grudge. Please be reconciled (Col 3:13).
43.I am a believer. But my parents are still wor- shipping idols. They cannot find a suitable partner for me. Though I fellowship with other believers I feel lonely at home and in my society.
Becoming a believer of the Lord Jesus Christ should not isolate you from your family or society. Be free with them. Be happy, playful, fun-loving, sociable, helping. But keep yourself from idols. That way there is a good chance of winning them over to the Lord (Lk 8:39). Seek the help of your pastor or a spiritual leader in finding your life partner.
44. My sons refuse to take up jobs far from home. If I encourage them, they say I chase them from home.
You may try cutting down on their expenses one by one. Stop buying them clothes and other things. Do not give them pocket money. Unless parents harden their hearts and do that, they are not helping their sons. The eagle literally dismantles the nest to teach the eaglets to fly. Otherwise those eaglets will sit comfortably in the nest, expecting the parents to bring food and put it in their mouth for as long as possible (Dt 32:11).
45. We want our son to become a missionary. But he doesn’t want to.
You can never compel him. He must ultimately of his own free will choose his career.
46. How early can a child be saved?
The kingdom of God belongs to little children. So all babies who die go to heaven. As they grow up they learn bad habits and are by nature disobedient. But if parents are strict and at the same time loving they can be trained well. Even before the age of three children can be taught to believe in Jesus and love Him. Then the child can grow in the knowledge and fear of God. So a baby can grow into the kingdom of God without getting lost on the way. But we must wait till the child reaches the age of accountability to baptize him.
47. How to prevent my saved daughter from falling in sin (love)?
It is impossible. You must first of all understand that falling in love is not sin. At this age they keep falling in love over and over again. It is a growth process. We don’t advocate dating. It is like allowing children to play with fire. However don’t keep her isolated from boys. Let her get to know them at home, family functions and social gatherings. Spend time with her on happy chats like going for a stroll with her, helping her with whatever she likes to do, or enjoying what she enjoys. You must be very loving to her so that she will be free to tell you everything or ask you anything. This relationship must be built up from early years. Give her some books to read. Watch TV or some video cassettes involving teenagers (like Sound of Music) with her. That helps you to share with her about love, sex, sex organs, pregnancy, the dignity of motherhood, menstruation, how to choose her life partner (her role and the parents role), etc. They must grow up to respect their own sex and the opposite sex. Mothers must read Woman’s Era Magazine and give some selected articles to their teenagers.
Teenagers should not make the blunder of falling in love n school days. Don’t argue quoting Jacob and Rachel. If you are prepared to tend sheep like them then it is alright! Nowadays it is very difficult to come up in life without a good education. Start thinking about your marriage after your studies.
48. We do not have an issue. Can we adopt?
By all means. Please adopt as many as possible. It is a God-pleasing ministry. One man pities an orphan and the race of Israel was saved (Esth 2:7).
49. How to lead a child to salvation?
baby should be taken to the church as early and as regularly as possible. The baby should be present in family prayers. When he learns to say ‘mama, dada,’ he may be taught to say ‘Jesus.’ Gradually more words like ‘God is love’ may be taught. By 2-3 years he is attention span is more especially with the Children’s Bible. Teach from Genesis to Revelation in an interesting way with expressions and you’ll have enough stories to tell for five years, daily. Be systematic, sincere and prayerful. When he learns alphabets in school he may be made to read one sentence a days from the Children’s Bible and then gradually increased. (2 Tim 3:15).
50. We are bringing up our children in the fear of God, counting on His promises. But we are afraid we may lose them in this wicked world.
God has many many names. But when it comes to bringing up children, His name is “WONDERFUL!” Hold on to it! (Judg 13:18).
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
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