Rebuild Your Castle!
Family life starts in a beautiful dream-castlebuilding-project called marriage. He has dreams and she has dreams. For six months or one year they work at building the castle together. They agree with each other eventhough inwardly they disagree. They tolerate each other. They act pleasant and courteous and obey each other. There is a lot of courtship and love. They complete the castle and put the weathering course. They have attained their dream-castle.
But then something happens. Nothing too serious. In fact whatever happened so far was serious. Because they were acting like good mannered gentle people to each other. Now that they know the other person pretty well, they don’t feel like acting anymore. It is a strain on their nerves to be pretending to be somebody who they are not. They want to be natural and relaxed. So they let the facade fall — and all hell breaks loose. When the natural bad qualities of each creep to the surface, the other is horrified. So there is finger-pointing, exchange of words, and disagreements. This is when true understanding begins. One sees the other’s real personality and begins to understand what kind of a person the other is. When confronted with this challenge, young couples make lot of mistakes. This is where the demolition of their castle starts.
Mistake One
It is to conclude that you have married the wrong person and that you cannot live with him/ her anymore. So you stop talking or increase fighting. You take a negative attitude toward the challenge. The right attitude will be to understand the other person, accept and adjust (Mt 1:24).
Mistake Two
As much as the husband gets irritated he irritates his wife and vice versa. You fail to see this. You see yourself as a flawless person and keep blaming the other. You have as many faults as the other. When you think,“I am good. I am trying to improve. But he is so bad. He doesn’t even try. I am frustrated,’’ your partner is thinking just the same. Instead, think, ‘‘What faults do I have? How does the other tolerate it?”(Gal 6:3-5).
Mistake Three
You see couples coming in two wheelers, wife holding the husband’s shoulder, and think, ‘‘We are the only ones having problems. Everybody else is happy.’’ The wife thinks, “All other husbands are good. Only my husband is bad.” So does the husband. But in effect, all are sailing the same boat. Some adjust well and some fail to adjust (Eccl 9:2).
Mistake Four
It is to expect the other person to change 100% without trying to change oneself. A successful marriage is not just marrying a good partner; it is being a good partner too. If you can stop working on the spouse and start working on yourself, you begin to move in the right direction (Phil 3:12).
Mistake Five
You start hating the person rather than his/her bad qualities. However much you love a person there are things that you hate. Don’t see both together. Dichotomise them. Then it is easier to maintain a love relationship (Mt 11:19).
Mistake Six
It is to forget individuality. Each person is different. You can’t simply shout,“Why can’t you like dogs? Why can’t you socialize?” It is simply not in the other’s blood. He/she can never become like you (Rom 14:1-3). In fact, opposite qualities are often complementary, and better for life. One may be spendthrift and the other a miser. They balance each other. The social person wants to be out always but the home bird would rather be reading a book at home. They do clash. But ultimately the social person cuts down on outdoor activities and the homebird learns to go out and mingle with people (Rom 15:7).
Mistake Seven
It is expecting overnight miracles. The man with a disobedient wife shares a Bible verse and advises her. The next day he expects a change. She disobeys. But she keeps thinking,“I decided to obey; I wanted to; But I don’t know why I disobeyed. I should really improve.” So it goes on. Don’t expect a miracle before your silver jubilee! Often the transformation is so slow that it is almost imperceptible (Eccl 11:1).
Team Mates or Opponents?
You start life as team mates. You stay close together. Your scores are high. You are appreciated as the made-for-each-other couple. But gradually you move apart and become opponents hitting at each other. You try to win the other, scoring more points for yourself, trying to make the other a failure and look foolish (1 Cor 3:3). Sadly, you don’t realise your score is coming down and your team is losing. There’s a lot of foul play too. The worst is, there’s no umpire and a baby is sitting in the court watching the match.
Why? What has happened?
The focus has shifted from ‘YOU’ to ‘I.’ You cared for the other, now you care about you (Rom 15:1,2). Selfishness is natural. But we must learn to maintain the ‘YOU’ focus. Husbands should constantly make a conscious effort to express their love to their wives in a tangible way (Col 3:19). The wife should respond to his love by her obedience (Rom 13:1,2). Don’t mind the crashes and clashes. Start all over again. A failure and frustration should never induce you to give up your efforts to please the partner.
Familiarity breeds contempt. When we live together under the same roof we discover each other’s shortcomings. We forget good manners and the need to respect the other. We should constantly remind ourselves that everybody is human, each one has his/her own flaws and without mutual respect it is impossible to build up a marriage (Psa 103:14).
Reducing Each Other
On the day of marriage the girl looks at her husband as a perfect or model man. (1) He looks good. He is tall, an engineer, a godly man, always cheerful. (2) The next year she discovers he has a tendency to criticise whatever she does. It is a constant irritation for her. That brings him down by one foot in her eyes. Whenever she thinks of him she sees him as a critic and she loses her smile. She tends to sulk.
Shortly she notices a more difficult character. He is very dominant and orders her around. He tells her to do this and do that and even where to sit and how to sit. She starts murmuring within. She doesn’t feel like obeying him anymore. It is getting on her nerves. She wishes he wouldn’t come home so early. She prefers to be in another room. She hates his presence. He has become still smaller in her eyes. She discovers more negative things about him like: (3) He preaches something, and does another; (4) He’s mama’s boy; (5) He has too many friends; (6) He is immature, etc.; (7) After a few years she concludes he’s a useless guy impossible to live with.
On his side the same happens. (1) In her wedding garments she was lovely. She is a doctor, rich but simple and pious. (2) After a year he notices that she puts on weight. She is disobedient and she tells him what to do. (3) She writes but doesn’t live up to her writings. (4) The enchantress is no more enchanting because her cooking is awful. How can a man love without three decent meals a day? Mama’s is definitely better. (5) She doesn’t dress like some smart ladies. (6) She is very sensitive and cries for everything. As a husband, doesn’t he have the right to correct her? (7) She doesn’t know what to talk when. She is good for nothing.
The once tall figures they doted are now reduced to worthless creatures. But are they still the same old persons? Yes. But the problem is that the partners have focused on the negative aspects only.
We constantly rob our partners of self-esteem, reducing them to nothing. We make them feel small. How do we do that? By rude comments, fault finding, mocking, telling their weaknesses openly to others, challenging, not listening, not letting them to win, humiliating, not appreciating, talking ill of them to the children. Now and then they try to rise up but we hit them on the head.
Take for example, the husband who wants to show his love for his wife and brings a sari for her. Instead of appreciating his gesture she says,“I don’t think we can afford to spend this much this month and I don’t like this design either.” He is put down and feels rejected. Or, the wife joyfully announces after dinner,“I made the ice cream you like,” expecting an enthusiastic response from her beloved. He tastes and says,“Tastes good. But Mrs. X makes it better. You should learn from her.” She goes into the bedroom and weeps. Right comment but not the right time or right way. In other words you say,“See there’s a flaw in what you’ve done.” The wounded partner then looks for a chance to take revenge (1 Thess 5:15).
How to Avoid the Pitfall
Analyse the problem and reason it out. (1) He is still tall, an engineer and always cheerful. The basic qualities that attracted me are still there. (2) Why should I think he criticises? I can take it as correction. It is a leader’s gift to locate faults. He is the head of the home. If I correct myself I can become better. He knows a lot. (3) He is not an angel. He is a human being with all frailities. (4) His mother is a widow and I need to be considerate. It will take time for him to think totally independent of her. I must be patient. (5) We are in ministry and friends are part of it. (6) He is just 26 and we are married just two years. I should be grateful to him for marrying me this young. He is maturing everyday. (7) No, no, he is not at all bad. He is an engineer, tall, godly man, joyful all the time.
Don’t stop with reasoning. Look at his positive points — He quickly forgets and forgives. He takes me out. He doesn’t drink or gamble like some husbands. He loves me. He doesn’t allow me to carry luggage. He has given me a child. He knows the Bible and loves the Lord. I can certainly learn to live with some of his shortcomings.
Similarly he should also exercise himself to reason out her behaviour. She is pregnant and may be that’s why she eats a lot. May be she disobeys because I tell her to do too many things. May be I should not say authoritatively but ask lovingly. She has been independent in college. I cannot expect her to suddenly do what all I say. She has to unlearn a lot of her affluent habits and that’s going to take time; but there is hope. After all she spent her time studying to be a doctor. May be I should buy her a cookery book and give her some time to improve. I liked her for her simplicity. Her Bible knowledge is good. She tries to please me. She is in the making. She is a soulwinner. She treats my relatives with respect and love. May be I should appreciate her for these openly.
Don’t Demolish!
We don’t realise that by reducing our partners, we are reducing our marriage. It is like a castle crumbling down. Some continue to break down their marriage, and relationship, live in the rubble and celebrate their golden jubilee on top of the heap. But if you start clearing the rubbish, rebuilding and repairing, you can celebrate your silver jubilee in your dream-castle.
Clean up the Rubbish!
With all the rubbish around the building site you can’t start building. So start clearing the rubbish. If you both start working at it together the job will be done faster. Find out the rubbish you have to remove from the site. Ask your partner,“How do I hurt you? Tell me just one.” The answer may be a whack on the chest. Cry if you want. But your question gives him/her the freedom to be frank. So clear it off without hesitation. Once that is over, proceed to the next you have to work on. The path to perfection is painful. It is hard labour. But remember, you are building a mansion. Don’t expect to finish in a day. It takes time. Help each other by telling openly but lovingly what rubbish the other has to clear. Vow to your partner that you’ll do your best to clear it asking forgiveness, requesting patience and help. Ask your spouse to point out gently whenever you fail (Phil 4:5).
Can we Change?
Here too you can make some mistakes. If you say, “I can’t change myself. I am made like that. It’s my nature,” then you are wrong. It is actually saying, “I don’t want to change. I go my way, you go your way.” You are not helping yourself, your spouse or your marriage by saying that. We are new creations in Christ (2 Cor 5:17). Habits and temperaments are acquired, not inherited. So say,“With the grace of God I’ll change myself. We will walk together hand in hand and face the challenges”(Phil 4:13).
The second mistake you can make is to say,“I give up.” Misunderstandings creep in again and again and again. Don’t get frustrated and give up. Pick yourself up and start again (2 Thess 3:13).
Build up Your Castle again!
Open up your mouth to say, “I am sorry” or respond “I am also sorry.” That is probably the foundation stone (Col 3:13). Say, ‘‘I will improve. I will try my level best to change myself.” Think, plan and make some decisions as to how you can help your spouse. Decide not to use the word that hurts the other. Decide to love and tolerate the other’s pet. Decide according to your situation (1 Pet 4:8).
Other stones that go to build up the castle are Frankness, Forgiveness, Trust, Fidelity, Appreciation, Help, Understanding, Self-control, Tongue-control, Not clinging to parents, Cleaving to spouse, Open expressions of love, Believing the other loves you and Responding to the love. To top it all, the love of God! It is the capstone. You can live in this castle, safe and secure, Happily everafter!
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, 8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
Rebuild Your Castle!
Family life starts in a beautiful dream-castlebuilding-project called marriage. He has dreams and she has dreams. For six months or one year they work at building the castle together. They agree with each other eventhough inwardly they disagree. They tolerate each other. They act pleasant and courteous and obey each other. There is a lot of courtship and love. They complete the castle and put the weathering course. They have attained their dream-castle.
But then something happens. Nothing too serious. In fact whatever happened so far was serious. Because they were acting like good mannered gentle people to each other. Now that they know the other person pretty well, they don’t feel like acting anymore. It is a strain on their nerves to be pretending to be somebody who they are not. They want to be natural and relaxed. So they let the facade fall — and all hell breaks loose. When the natural bad qualities of each creep to the surface, the other is horrified. So there is finger-pointing, exchange of words, and disagreements. This is when true understanding begins. One sees the other’s real personality and begins to understand what kind of a person the other is. When confronted with this challenge, young couples make lot of mistakes. This is where the demolition of their castle starts.
Mistake One
It is to conclude that you have married the wrong person and that you cannot live with him/ her anymore. So you stop talking or increase fighting. You take a negative attitude toward the challenge. The right attitude will be to understand the other person, accept and adjust (Mt 1:24).
Mistake Two
As much as the husband gets irritated he irritates his wife and vice versa. You fail to see this. You see yourself as a flawless person and keep blaming the other. You have as many faults as the other. When you think,“I am good. I am trying to improve. But he is so bad. He doesn’t even try. I am frustrated,’’ your partner is thinking just the same. Instead, think, ‘‘What faults do I have? How does the other tolerate it?”(Gal 6:3-5).
Mistake Three
You see couples coming in two wheelers, wife holding the husband’s shoulder, and think, ‘‘We are the only ones having problems. Everybody else is happy.’’ The wife thinks, “All other husbands are good. Only my husband is bad.” So does the husband. But in effect, all are sailing the same boat. Some adjust well and some fail to adjust (Eccl 9:2).
Mistake Four
It is to expect the other person to change 100% without trying to change oneself. A successful marriage is not just marrying a good partner; it is being a good partner too. If you can stop working on the spouse and start working on yourself, you begin to move in the right direction (Phil 3:12).
Mistake Five
You start hating the person rather than his/her bad qualities. However much you love a person there are things that you hate. Don’t see both together. Dichotomise them. Then it is easier to maintain a love relationship (Mt 11:19).
Mistake Six
It is to forget individuality. Each person is different. You can’t simply shout,“Why can’t you like dogs? Why can’t you socialize?” It is simply not in the other’s blood. He/she can never become like you (Rom 14:1-3). In fact, opposite qualities are often complementary, and better for life. One may be spendthrift and the other a miser. They balance each other. The social person wants to be out always but the home bird would rather be reading a book at home. They do clash. But ultimately the social person cuts down on outdoor activities and the homebird learns to go out and mingle with people (Rom 15:7).
Mistake Seven
It is expecting overnight miracles. The man with a disobedient wife shares a Bible verse and advises her. The next day he expects a change. She disobeys. But she keeps thinking,“I decided to obey; I wanted to; But I don’t know why I disobeyed. I should really improve.” So it goes on. Don’t expect a miracle before your silver jubilee! Often the transformation is so slow that it is almost imperceptible (Eccl 11:1).
Team Mates or Opponents?
You start life as team mates. You stay close together. Your scores are high. You are appreciated as the made-for-each-other couple. But gradually you move apart and become opponents hitting at each other. You try to win the other, scoring more points for yourself, trying to make the other a failure and look foolish (1 Cor 3:3). Sadly, you don’t realise your score is coming down and your team is losing. There’s a lot of foul play too. The worst is, there’s no umpire and a baby is sitting in the court watching the match.
Why? What has happened?
The focus has shifted from ‘YOU’ to ‘I.’ You cared for the other, now you care about you (Rom 15:1,2). Selfishness is natural. But we must learn to maintain the ‘YOU’ focus. Husbands should constantly make a conscious effort to express their love to their wives in a tangible way (Col 3:19). The wife should respond to his love by her obedience (Rom 13:1,2). Don’t mind the crashes and clashes. Start all over again. A failure and frustration should never induce you to give up your efforts to please the partner.
Familiarity breeds contempt. When we live together under the same roof we discover each other’s shortcomings. We forget good manners and the need to respect the other. We should constantly remind ourselves that everybody is human, each one has his/her own flaws and without mutual respect it is impossible to build up a marriage (Psa 103:14).
Reducing Each Other
On the day of marriage the girl looks at her husband as a perfect or model man. (1) He looks good. He is tall, an engineer, a godly man, always cheerful. (2) The next year she discovers he has a tendency to criticise whatever she does. It is a constant irritation for her. That brings him down by one foot in her eyes. Whenever she thinks of him she sees him as a critic and she loses her smile. She tends to sulk.
Shortly she notices a more difficult character. He is very dominant and orders her around. He tells her to do this and do that and even where to sit and how to sit. She starts murmuring within. She doesn’t feel like obeying him anymore. It is getting on her nerves. She wishes he wouldn’t come home so early. She prefers to be in another room. She hates his presence. He has become still smaller in her eyes. She discovers more negative things about him like: (3) He preaches something, and does another; (4) He’s mama’s boy; (5) He has too many friends; (6) He is immature, etc.; (7) After a few years she concludes he’s a useless guy impossible to live with.
On his side the same happens. (1) In her wedding garments she was lovely. She is a doctor, rich but simple and pious. (2) After a year he notices that she puts on weight. She is disobedient and she tells him what to do. (3) She writes but doesn’t live up to her writings. (4) The enchantress is no more enchanting because her cooking is awful. How can a man love without three decent meals a day? Mama’s is definitely better. (5) She doesn’t dress like some smart ladies. (6) She is very sensitive and cries for everything. As a husband, doesn’t he have the right to correct her? (7) She doesn’t know what to talk when. She is good for nothing.
The once tall figures they doted are now reduced to worthless creatures. But are they still the same old persons? Yes. But the problem is that the partners have focused on the negative aspects only.
We constantly rob our partners of self-esteem, reducing them to nothing. We make them feel small. How do we do that? By rude comments, fault finding, mocking, telling their weaknesses openly to others, challenging, not listening, not letting them to win, humiliating, not appreciating, talking ill of them to the children. Now and then they try to rise up but we hit them on the head.
Take for example, the husband who wants to show his love for his wife and brings a sari for her. Instead of appreciating his gesture she says,“I don’t think we can afford to spend this much this month and I don’t like this design either.” He is put down and feels rejected. Or, the wife joyfully announces after dinner,“I made the ice cream you like,” expecting an enthusiastic response from her beloved. He tastes and says,“Tastes good. But Mrs. X makes it better. You should learn from her.” She goes into the bedroom and weeps. Right comment but not the right time or right way. In other words you say,“See there’s a flaw in what you’ve done.” The wounded partner then looks for a chance to take revenge (1 Thess 5:15).
How to Avoid the Pitfall
Analyse the problem and reason it out. (1) He is still tall, an engineer and always cheerful. The basic qualities that attracted me are still there. (2) Why should I think he criticises? I can take it as correction. It is a leader’s gift to locate faults. He is the head of the home. If I correct myself I can become better. He knows a lot. (3) He is not an angel. He is a human being with all frailities. (4) His mother is a widow and I need to be considerate. It will take time for him to think totally independent of her. I must be patient. (5) We are in ministry and friends are part of it. (6) He is just 26 and we are married just two years. I should be grateful to him for marrying me this young. He is maturing everyday. (7) No, no, he is not at all bad. He is an engineer, tall, godly man, joyful all the time.
Don’t stop with reasoning. Look at his positive points — He quickly forgets and forgives. He takes me out. He doesn’t drink or gamble like some husbands. He loves me. He doesn’t allow me to carry luggage. He has given me a child. He knows the Bible and loves the Lord. I can certainly learn to live with some of his shortcomings.
Similarly he should also exercise himself to reason out her behaviour. She is pregnant and may be that’s why she eats a lot. May be she disobeys because I tell her to do too many things. May be I should not say authoritatively but ask lovingly. She has been independent in college. I cannot expect her to suddenly do what all I say. She has to unlearn a lot of her affluent habits and that’s going to take time; but there is hope. After all she spent her time studying to be a doctor. May be I should buy her a cookery book and give her some time to improve. I liked her for her simplicity. Her Bible knowledge is good. She tries to please me. She is in the making. She is a soulwinner. She treats my relatives with respect and love. May be I should appreciate her for these openly.
Don’t Demolish!
We don’t realise that by reducing our partners, we are reducing our marriage. It is like a castle crumbling down. Some continue to break down their marriage, and relationship, live in the rubble and celebrate their golden jubilee on top of the heap. But if you start clearing the rubbish, rebuilding and repairing, you can celebrate your silver jubilee in your dream-castle.
Clean up the Rubbish!
With all the rubbish around the building site you can’t start building. So start clearing the rubbish. If you both start working at it together the job will be done faster. Find out the rubbish you have to remove from the site. Ask your partner,“How do I hurt you? Tell me just one.” The answer may be a whack on the chest. Cry if you want. But your question gives him/her the freedom to be frank. So clear it off without hesitation. Once that is over, proceed to the next you have to work on. The path to perfection is painful. It is hard labour. But remember, you are building a mansion. Don’t expect to finish in a day. It takes time. Help each other by telling openly but lovingly what rubbish the other has to clear. Vow to your partner that you’ll do your best to clear it asking forgiveness, requesting patience and help. Ask your spouse to point out gently whenever you fail (Phil 4:5).
Can we Change?
Here too you can make some mistakes. If you say, “I can’t change myself. I am made like that. It’s my nature,” then you are wrong. It is actually saying, “I don’t want to change. I go my way, you go your way.” You are not helping yourself, your spouse or your marriage by saying that. We are new creations in Christ (2 Cor 5:17). Habits and temperaments are acquired, not inherited. So say,“With the grace of God I’ll change myself. We will walk together hand in hand and face the challenges”(Phil 4:13).
The second mistake you can make is to say,“I give up.” Misunderstandings creep in again and again and again. Don’t get frustrated and give up. Pick yourself up and start again (2 Thess 3:13).
Build up Your Castle again!
Open up your mouth to say, “I am sorry” or respond “I am also sorry.” That is probably the foundation stone (Col 3:13). Say, ‘‘I will improve. I will try my level best to change myself.” Think, plan and make some decisions as to how you can help your spouse. Decide not to use the word that hurts the other. Decide to love and tolerate the other’s pet. Decide according to your situation (1 Pet 4:8).
Other stones that go to build up the castle are Frankness, Forgiveness, Trust, Fidelity, Appreciation, Help, Understanding, Self-control, Tongue-control, Not clinging to parents, Cleaving to spouse, Open expressions of love, Believing the other loves you and Responding to the love. To top it all, the love of God! It is the capstone. You can live in this castle, safe and secure, Happily everafter!
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, Mob:8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
