Why is sugar bitter?
Relationship is supposed to be a sweet thing. We love laughter, chatter, company, friends...But many times we find it turns to be a diet of bitter gourds. Why is relationship so hard to maintain? Any relationship runs into a myriad problems. There are relationship knots within family members, between families, between families and others! What causes these damaged relationships and how can we change ourselves for good ties? (Remember we cannot change others). Let’s analyse some reasons for fractured friendships and find some healing solutions.
I guess so
Many times we assume things. We guess this is the one who caused all the trouble or “think” this is the reason for the problem. But in fact the so-and-so would be totally unrelated to the problem. “Ass-u-me” makes an ass of you and me said a wise person. We turn our face and walk away on seeing that person much to his chagrin, followed by a dangerous lull. We may or may not come to know the truth but the damage is done, leading to several tough problems. Never assume and break a friendship. Wait for the truth to be unravelled before rushing to judgement. Assumptions are termites of relationships says Henry Winkler.
Jacob lost so much “joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps” with kissing and good byes because he said, “I guess my father-in-law will take his daughters by force from me.” Could not the God who spoke to Laban to be careful what he said to Jacob, have said it even if Jacob announced his departure? (Gen 31:26-31). Beloved, we miss out on a lot of joy of fellowship by foolishly assuming things. Don’t guess too much and lose a good friend. All the glories of this world are not worth a good friend.
Touch me not
Touchiness can unhinge any relationship. The elder brother, Naaman, Cain, Samson and Eliab were all very touchy people whose fierce temper flared at the drop of a hat. It was a simple command that Elisha gave but Naaman was upset. It was a very silly reason over which Samson left his wife. Anger is different. It has a source. But touchiness is getting angry for nothing; that is easily provoked or quick-tempered. Touchy people may end up in a self-created vaccum. You may be stewing over a tiff or a slight which your spouse has long forgotten.
“A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly,” says Proverbs 14:29. It contrasts quick temper with patience. Again in Proverbs 19:11 we read, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence.” Ignore minor rankles. Don’t say: “I will never open my mouth again,” or “I will relate carefully hereafter,” or “I will keep a cautious distance.” Avoid such distancing. That is not relationship. The very fibre of relationship is the freedom to talk with abandon. Don’t try to be more careful but be more sensitive to the other’s feelings, remaining malleable all the time. Relationship is repeated hurts. We hurt and get hurt, we forgive and are forgiven — 490 times a day, 20 times an hour, once in 3 minutes! That is relationship. We gradually improve. Being too cautious or over self-protective can be disconcerting. Be prepared for hurts and when hurts come handle them positively with an idea to mend. Learn to smile away hurts. Respond to criticism without losing your cool. Never call it quits.
See what Paul says to the Corinthians in an attempt to erase the gulf between them: “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians and opened wide our hearts to you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange I speak as to my children - open wide your hearts also...you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you”
(II Cor 6:11,12; 7:3). Paul was not satisfied with a “just ok” relationship.
I am so and so
Egoism is a great stumbling block in relationships. It refuses to go down or apologise or forgive. An egoist thinks too much about himself. When Saul was anointed as king people brought him gifts. But some troublemakers said, “How can this fellow save us?” within earshot of Saul. They despised him and brought him no gifts. But Saul behaved as if he did not hear their remarks (I Sam 10:27). But the same Saul, after some yers as king, could not tolerate people praising David. His ego was blown up.
God remembered us in our low estate (Ps 136:23). We should never forget our humble beginning from where God lifted us. Be the first to apologise and forgive. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude” said Martin Luther. Don’t wait until you feel ready to forgive. Decide and forgive because God expects it and it is the right thing to do. If you care about your relationship with God and this person, then don’t let this defeat you. Even after many years a word of apology is not too late.
The gracious way to accept an
insult is to ignore it. Otherwise in a chain reaction, the relationship will crumble. Let even personal virulent attacks roll off like water on a duck’s back.
Nose-in-the-air attitude is what makes us expect a treatment according to our status. We seethe, “I was not treated like a servant of God” or a Doctor. Don’t expect to be treated better than a stranger. Then you will be happy with the treatment you receive. Take the lowest seat, and you’ll feel honoured with any treatment meted out to you.
I-want-more club
How acquisitive we are and tussle over trash like jewels and land and property! Giving up goes a long way in building strong and loving relationships. Read Genesis 30:31-37. When Laban asked Jacob what salary he wanted, Jacob said that “today” he would separate the speckled and spotted among the flock and they would be his salary. “Agreed” said Laban, deadset against him and that “same day” before Jacob went, he took away all the speckled and spotted and streaked and left them with his sons, three days journey away! Imagine Jacob’s disappointment when he went to the flock. The Bible says, “Jacob however.”
What Laban did was perfectly logical and scientific, removing all chances of speckled progeny. Jacob stripped branches and put in front of the sheep and goats — so illogical and unscientific. But surprisingly they all yielded spotted and speckled kids. God was on his side. How did it happen? I guess when Laban took the speckled away the ewes were already pregnant with speckled and spotted babies!
Don’t be too concerned with your rights that you forget your manners. There is nothing worth squabbling in this world. Give up. Are you at each other’s throat? Relax your grip. Let God take up your case. This spirit will cement relationships. As Paul says, “Be joyful in hope” (Rom 12:12).
I can’t stand it
The most difficult quality to achieve is tolerance. Relationships dissolve because we cannot stand the nettlesome habits of others. We cannot put up with our spouse, children, parents in-laws, co-workers or strangers. We need to learn to speak the magic words, “It’s o.k,” to grease the wheels of our relationship. If you don’t mind it won’t matter. Don’t quibble over petty details. Avoid criticism—stated or subtle. This takes patience and a lot of tongue-biting.
“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city,” says Proverbs 16:32. “Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown,” said a sage. Yes, when you feel like saying with an ugly frown, “That’s it, I can’t take it any more, it’s over. Something in me has snapped,” smile and say, “It’s o.k.” Love is patient. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience. Paul admonishes the Ephesians, “Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing one another in love” (4:2). “Be patient with everyone,” says I Thessalonians 5:14. You have to literally bend backwards to maintain a relationship. The trigger in most squabbles is a trivial event which can be ignored. Perfect unity or compatibility is almost impossible to achieve. We are all different and a search for a perfect relationship is futile.
Wag more bark less
What could have been lovely friendships ended up messy because we could not get over our thoughts across softly but unleashed our short explosive temper. We are emotional and rough as if we had gunpowder for breakfast. We don’t wait for our emotions to cool down before we communicate. If we relax before we talk in an argument we will
not use unbridled language but use gentler words and softer explanations. I have lost some good friends because in the heat of the argument I was dogmatic and in a hurry to settle the matter. The sad thing is that they don’t know I’m hurting and are not ready to give me another chance. I stretch forth my hand but they are not ready to shake it. Learn the value of calmly discussing issues, not just venting emotions. Learn to talk wisely, softly, gently, tenderly, happily. It takes years; but keep on practicing till you master your communication skills. It is the wise Peter Marshall who said. “Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.”
Once broken always broken?
Have you relinquished your idea of rebuilding a particular relationship? Well, sometimes we bury relationships alive. Any relationship can be resurrected if we give our friend who hurt us another chance and another chance and another chance and ...Believe that he is improving. Be willing to walk more than half the distance to normalise ties. Have the courage to clarify matters and don’t be afraid to tell the other person exactly how you feel. Keep on rebuilding and you will end up with a beautiful, strong, close-knit relationship, all repaired and spruced up!
All said and done, there are situations which must be swallowed or left alone to avoid more hurt. Just go ahead with the relationship as if nothing happened. Put up a smile on your face and try to genuinely love, even as the dice rolls.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom 12:18).
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, 8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
Why is sugar bitter?
Relationship is supposed to be a sweet thing. We love laughter, chatter, company, friends...But many times we find it turns to be a diet of bitter gourds. Why is relationship so hard to maintain? Any relationship runs into a myriad problems. There are relationship knots within family members, between families, between families and others! What causes these damaged relationships and how can we change ourselves for good ties? (Remember we cannot change others). Let’s analyse some reasons for fractured friendships and find some healing solutions.
I guess so
Many times we assume things. We guess this is the one who caused all the trouble or “think” this is the reason for the problem. But in fact the so-and-so would be totally unrelated to the problem. “Ass-u-me” makes an ass of you and me said a wise person. We turn our face and walk away on seeing that person much to his chagrin, followed by a dangerous lull. We may or may not come to know the truth but the damage is done, leading to several tough problems. Never assume and break a friendship. Wait for the truth to be unravelled before rushing to judgement. Assumptions are termites of relationships says Henry Winkler.
Jacob lost so much “joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps” with kissing and good byes because he said, “I guess my father-in-law will take his daughters by force from me.” Could not the God who spoke to Laban to be careful what he said to Jacob, have said it even if Jacob announced his departure? (Gen 31:26-31). Beloved, we miss out on a lot of joy of fellowship by foolishly assuming things. Don’t guess too much and lose a good friend. All the glories of this world are not worth a good friend.
Touch me not
Touchiness can unhinge any relationship. The elder brother, Naaman, Cain, Samson and Eliab were all very touchy people whose fierce temper flared at the drop of a hat. It was a simple command that Elisha gave but Naaman was upset. It was a very silly reason over which Samson left his wife. Anger is different. It has a source. But touchiness is getting angry for nothing; that is easily provoked or quick-tempered. Touchy people may end up in a self-created vaccum. You may be stewing over a tiff or a slight which your spouse has long forgotten.
“A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly,” says Proverbs 14:29. It contrasts quick temper with patience. Again in Proverbs 19:11 we read, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offence.” Ignore minor rankles. Don’t say: “I will never open my mouth again,” or “I will relate carefully hereafter,” or “I will keep a cautious distance.” Avoid such distancing. That is not relationship. The very fibre of relationship is the freedom to talk with abandon. Don’t try to be more careful but be more sensitive to the other’s feelings, remaining malleable all the time. Relationship is repeated hurts. We hurt and get hurt, we forgive and are forgiven — 490 times a day, 20 times an hour, once in 3 minutes! That is relationship. We gradually improve. Being too cautious or over self-protective can be disconcerting. Be prepared for hurts and when hurts come handle them positively with an idea to mend. Learn to smile away hurts. Respond to criticism without losing your cool. Never call it quits.
See what Paul says to the Corinthians in an attempt to erase the gulf between them: “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians and opened wide our hearts to you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange I speak as to my children - open wide your hearts also...you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you”
(II Cor 6:11,12; 7:3). Paul was not satisfied with a “just ok” relationship.
I am so and so
Egoism is a great stumbling block in relationships. It refuses to go down or apologise or forgive. An egoist thinks too much about himself. When Saul was anointed as king people brought him gifts. But some troublemakers said, “How can this fellow save us?” within earshot of Saul. They despised him and brought him no gifts. But Saul behaved as if he did not hear their remarks (I Sam 10:27). But the same Saul, after some yers as king, could not tolerate people praising David. His ego was blown up.
God remembered us in our low estate (Ps 136:23). We should never forget our humble beginning from where God lifted us. Be the first to apologise and forgive. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude” said Martin Luther. Don’t wait until you feel ready to forgive. Decide and forgive because God expects it and it is the right thing to do. If you care about your relationship with God and this person, then don’t let this defeat you. Even after many years a word of apology is not too late.
The gracious way to accept an
insult is to ignore it. Otherwise in a chain reaction, the relationship will crumble. Let even personal virulent attacks roll off like water on a duck’s back.
Nose-in-the-air attitude is what makes us expect a treatment according to our status. We seethe, “I was not treated like a servant of God” or a Doctor. Don’t expect to be treated better than a stranger. Then you will be happy with the treatment you receive. Take the lowest seat, and you’ll feel honoured with any treatment meted out to you.
I-want-more club
How acquisitive we are and tussle over trash like jewels and land and property! Giving up goes a long way in building strong and loving relationships. Read Genesis 30:31-37. When Laban asked Jacob what salary he wanted, Jacob said that “today” he would separate the speckled and spotted among the flock and they would be his salary. “Agreed” said Laban, deadset against him and that “same day” before Jacob went, he took away all the speckled and spotted and streaked and left them with his sons, three days journey away! Imagine Jacob’s disappointment when he went to the flock. The Bible says, “Jacob however.”
What Laban did was perfectly logical and scientific, removing all chances of speckled progeny. Jacob stripped branches and put in front of the sheep and goats — so illogical and unscientific. But surprisingly they all yielded spotted and speckled kids. God was on his side. How did it happen? I guess when Laban took the speckled away the ewes were already pregnant with speckled and spotted babies!
Don’t be too concerned with your rights that you forget your manners. There is nothing worth squabbling in this world. Give up. Are you at each other’s throat? Relax your grip. Let God take up your case. This spirit will cement relationships. As Paul says, “Be joyful in hope” (Rom 12:12).
I can’t stand it
The most difficult quality to achieve is tolerance. Relationships dissolve because we cannot stand the nettlesome habits of others. We cannot put up with our spouse, children, parents in-laws, co-workers or strangers. We need to learn to speak the magic words, “It’s o.k,” to grease the wheels of our relationship. If you don’t mind it won’t matter. Don’t quibble over petty details. Avoid criticism—stated or subtle. This takes patience and a lot of tongue-biting.
“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city,” says Proverbs 16:32. “Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown,” said a sage. Yes, when you feel like saying with an ugly frown, “That’s it, I can’t take it any more, it’s over. Something in me has snapped,” smile and say, “It’s o.k.” Love is patient. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience. Paul admonishes the Ephesians, “Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing one another in love” (4:2). “Be patient with everyone,” says I Thessalonians 5:14. You have to literally bend backwards to maintain a relationship. The trigger in most squabbles is a trivial event which can be ignored. Perfect unity or compatibility is almost impossible to achieve. We are all different and a search for a perfect relationship is futile.
Wag more bark less
What could have been lovely friendships ended up messy because we could not get over our thoughts across softly but unleashed our short explosive temper. We are emotional and rough as if we had gunpowder for breakfast. We don’t wait for our emotions to cool down before we communicate. If we relax before we talk in an argument we will
not use unbridled language but use gentler words and softer explanations. I have lost some good friends because in the heat of the argument I was dogmatic and in a hurry to settle the matter. The sad thing is that they don’t know I’m hurting and are not ready to give me another chance. I stretch forth my hand but they are not ready to shake it. Learn the value of calmly discussing issues, not just venting emotions. Learn to talk wisely, softly, gently, tenderly, happily. It takes years; but keep on practicing till you master your communication skills. It is the wise Peter Marshall who said. “Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.”
Once broken always broken?
Have you relinquished your idea of rebuilding a particular relationship? Well, sometimes we bury relationships alive. Any relationship can be resurrected if we give our friend who hurt us another chance and another chance and another chance and ...Believe that he is improving. Be willing to walk more than half the distance to normalise ties. Have the courage to clarify matters and don’t be afraid to tell the other person exactly how you feel. Keep on rebuilding and you will end up with a beautiful, strong, close-knit relationship, all repaired and spruced up!
All said and done, there are situations which must be swallowed or left alone to avoid more hurt. Just go ahead with the relationship as if nothing happened. Put up a smile on your face and try to genuinely love, even as the dice rolls.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom 12:18).
Dr. Lilian Stanley
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91 9843511943
lilianstanley@gmail.com
Blessing Youth Mission
13 Church Colony
Vellore 632006, India
+91-416-2242943, +91-416-2248943
hq@bymonline.org
www.bymonline.org
Click here for more options
To buy books written by Dr. Lilian Stanley, kindly reach to us in the follwing address
Blessing Literature Centre
21/11 West Coovam River Road,
Chintadripet,
Chennai 600 002, India.
+91-44-28450411, Mob:8806270699
blc@bymonline.org
