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Women Who Win

Diary of Judas Iscariot



@ I had an unusual experience today. I saw a Man standing on the street and preaching, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” I was arrested. I stood there with the crowd and listened. Amazing (Mt 4:17).

@ I am hooked. Now I regularly join the crowd following Him. His name is Jesus. I am drawn to Him. I signed up as His disciple.

@ Multitudes follow Him. He went up on a mountain and we disciples were privileged to go near Him. He taught so many things. He taught us to pray, “Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one.” Easily giving in to temptation is my problem. So I learnt the prayer. He said we should not store up treasures here on earth. I wonder if it is practical. He also said that anyone who does not live by His teaching is a fool who built his house on sand. When the rain comes his house will fall with a great crash. It is not so easy to lead the life He teaches (Mt 5,6,7).

@ Had a terrific experience today. We were caught up in a storm while sailing. We thought we’d drown and started screaming and shouting. He just got up from His sleep and rebuked the winds and the waves, and they obeyed Him! Wow! Is He God? (Mt 8:23-27).

@ Today He said that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins. The paralyzed man to whom He said, “Your sins are forgiven,” got up and walked home. I am tempted to believe that He is the Son of Man (Mt 9:2-8). I am absorbing His teachings like a sponge.

@ Today is the best day in my life. I am thrilled. We were a big crowd of disciples. The Master called to Him those He wanted and appointed twelve of us that we may be with Him and that He may send us out to preach. What an honour and privilege. He “wanted me.” Surely He has been observing keenly those who were keen pupils and those who could transmit it to others. He gave us power to drive out unclean spirits and to heal every disease and sickness, cleanse the lepers and even raise the dead (Mk 3:13-15; Mt 10:1,8). I know I lack integrity; but God chooses us not because of our integrity (Dt 9:5).

@ I preached to people to repent, drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them (Mk 6:12,13). We gathered around Jesus and reported to Him all that we did and taught (Mk 6:30). David shepherded Israel with integrity of heart (Psa 78:72). But I? It was so good to have power and be respected by people. He spoke about persecution and said, the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Will I stand firm till the end? (Mt 10:22). I thought  He was somewhat eccentric when He said: “Whoever does not take up their cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for My sake will find it” (Mt 10:38,39). I like to lead a comfortable life. He goes too far.  God told Solomon that He would lift him up it he walked in integrity. But Jesus lifted me up though I am not too honest (1 Ki 9:4).

@ Jesus spoke about a sower today. I used to listen and absorb His teachings well earlier. But nowadays I feel distracted. I used to go home and write down whatever He taught. Nowadays I feel lazy to do that. May be that’s why I don’t exactly remember them the next day. Am I allowing Satan to take away what was sown in my heart? It is nice to hear what He teaches, but it needs an ocean of energy to put it to practice, especially when my wife opposes it. I wonder if I am the rocky soil. I worry a lot about building my own house. Children’s education is another concern. I need money for all this. Faith doesn’t build you a house or pay school fees you know. Sometimes Jesus seems irrelevant to this generation. I cannot help thinking that these thorn bushes are strangling the word I hear. Good soil indeed. My heart is certainly not that (Mt 13:18-23).

Jesus spoke of the weeds among the wheat. The other eleven seem to be totally different from me, totally dedicated. Am I a weed? Is He just allowing me to continue with Him, knowing I am a weed? (Mt 13:24-30). What will my end be like? I wish to be like Hananiah, a man of integrity, who  feared God more than most people do (Neh 7:2). But My Master has the power to forgive sins. Then why fear?

@ Jesus asked us, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?” Peter was too quick to declare that He was the Messiah, the Son of the living God. How can he be so sure of it? No doubt He works many miracles; but it is too much to deify Him (Mt 16:16).

@ Jesus took us to a mountain top and poof! He was transformed into an angelic being. It was scary. Could He be a magician? I am confused. Sometimes I think He is God and other times, a man with some powers (Mt 17:1-7).

@ Jesus said something disturbing today. He said that people will catch Him and kill Him and He will be raised to life on the third day. All were filled with grief. But I was thinking, If He is God then why can’t He escape? (Mt 17:22,23).

@ Today Jesus told a young man to sell his possessions, give to the poor to have treasure in heaven; and then come and follow Him. He also said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Why can’t I tell Jesus about my desire for money and be delivered of it? Oh, no. Then I’ll have to live like a recluse. He keeps condemning riches and I can’t agree with Him one jot (Mt 19:21). We have left everything to follow Him. What have we got? When Peter asked Him about it He said we’d receive everything hundred fold and eternal life. But that’s not what we see. Is He kidding?

@ James and John wanted to sit near Jesus in His kingdom. We all got angry with the two. But Jesus told us to take the servant attitude (Mt 20:20-28). One day I will sit with Him and judge people. Yippee!

@ Jesus took the Pharisees to task condemning their hypocrisy. But I could not help wondering it was a straight talk to me. Especially when He talked about the white washed tomb, I was pricked to the core (Mt 23:27,28). How did Job maintain his integrity through all the trials? I seem to buckle under every trial and temptation (Job 2:3,9).

@ Jesus said greed comes from the heart. I keep feeling all the time that I don’t have enough. People give money for Jesus’ ministry and He has entrusted the money-bag to me. Now and then I take money from that and write false account. What to do? We wander with Him and get only food and shelter. He is a bachelor and what does He know about expenses? (Mk 7:21-23). Who tends the flock and does not drink the milk? The chief priests are trying to catch Him. They hate Him because of His integrity (Prov 29:10). If I betray Him to them I’ll get something. What a nasty thought! I wish, like Job I can challenge God that I am a man of integrity. But I am not able to strictly adhere to my moral values (Job 6:29; 27:5)

@ Something terrible happened today. When Jesus told us about His suffering and death, Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him. But Jesus scolded Peter saying, “Get behind Me, Satan! You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” After all with good intentions only Peter scolded Jesus. For that, why should He call Him Satan? Where does  Satan come here?” (Mk 8:31-33).

@ Today His teaching bordered on extremism. He said, if our hand causes us to stumble, we must cut it off, so that we’ll escape hell where the worms that eat them do not die, and the fire is not quenched. Hell seems to be a terrible place. I feel guilty whenever I take money from the money bag for my personal use. But how can I cut off my hand? (Mk 9:43-48). I cannot pray like David, “Lord, vindicate me according to my integrity” (Psa 7:8).

@ This Man is repeatedly talking about His suffering, death and resurrection according to what is written. So if someone betrays him he is not to be blamed because it is predicted (Lk 22:22).

@ Jesus taught us about a rich fool. He said, “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God” (Lk 12:16-21). Am I a fool? certainly not. The way He spoke at times I wonder if He knew the thoughts of people (Mt 12:25; Lk 6:8). I wonder if He knows what’s going on in my mind. Sometimes I think of even betraying Him.

@ Jesus sent another seventy two to preach the gospel. They returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in Your name.” Jesus said, “However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven” (Lk 10:17-20). I am so relieved. My name is written in heaven. My place in heaven is assured. Praise God! I can relax now. No more fear of hell. But He keeps telling us to enter the narrow gate all the time. The wide gate and broad road is too attractive and keeps pulling me (Mt 7:13,14). He wants us to deny everything, take up the cross and follow Him. I can deny everything, but money. Money is the root of all blessings (Lk 14:25-27). When can I betray Him and get some money?

@ When Jesus spoke to the twelve of us He said, “One of you is a devil,” I guess He knows my plans. So what? (Jn 6:60-70). God tests the heart and is pleased with integrity — said David. Where will I stand if God tests my heart? (1 Chr 29:17).

@ In a shocking incident Mary took about half a litre of pure nard and threw it away on Jesus’ feet. Foolish woman; does  she know the cost of this expensive perfume? It’s worth a year’s wages. It could have been sold and given to me as offering for the Lord’s ministry. I would have put it in the bag and used it to help the poor. I scolded her harshly. If Jesus had not stopped me I would have prevented her half way through (Jn 12:1-8).

@ I went to the chief priests and bargained. They gave me thirty pieces of silver. My pocket jingled and how happy I am. I must wait for the right time. I will join the supper so that nobody will suspect me (Mt 26:14-16). I have a fear that my sin will be found out because Proverbs 10:9 says, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” What a shame that will be for me!

@ It was supper time. The thought of betraying Jesus was coming to me again and again (Jn 13:1,2). They will catch Him and leave Him after some punishment. Because they know He is a man of integrity (Mt 22:16). I can repent later. He has spoken so much about forgiveness. Will He not forgive me? He loves me so much. Jesus washed my feet. I was embarrassed. How can I betray this man? He said, “You are clean, though not every one of you” (Jn 13:10,11). I think He knows. I was shocked when He said, “One of you is going to betray Me.” Everybody asked, “Lord, certainly you don’t mean me,” so I too asked the same so that nobody will suspect me (Jn 13:21). I know there was no integrity in my words (Isa 45:23). But it is too late to change myself. But when I asked that, He said, “You have said so” (Mt 26:25). I was taken aback.

I saw Peter gesturing to John to ask the Lord who it was. Let Him say, I don’t care. Jesus could have kept quiet but He betrayed me saying, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” He dipped it and gave it to me. At that moment something happened, something unexplainable. The thought of betrayal became overpowering. I knew I was giving place to Satan but having plotted in my mind so long, I decided to go ahead. He even quoted a Scripture verse to support His action but then how can I help it if it was foretold? (Jn 13:18-27).

He said, “Take and eat; this is My body. Drink. This is the blood of My covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” I ate the bread. I suppose my sin will be forgiven (Mt 26:27-29).

Jesus said, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” But good for me that nobody but me understood it. They all thought He was asking me to buy something or give to the poor. It was good excuse for me to slip out into the night (Jn 13:27-30).

I knew they all would go to Gethesmane. I have been there with Him and I know the place. The chief priests and elders of the people had given me a large crowd armed with swords and clubs. I had given them a signal, “The one I kiss is the Man; arrest Him.” So I went to Jesus and said, “Greetings Rabbi, and kissed Him. He called me ‘friend’. Earlier He had said that we were His friends. Now I thought He’d spit on my face. But He still called me friend (Mt 26:36-56). My heart melted and I felt like crying but I hardened my heart. Having come thus far, I can’t go back now. Oh, how He loved me! His words, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?” still rings in my heart. How rightly it is said, “There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity.”

It is now late night. I heard that Peter denied Jesus and that Jesus turned and saw him. I was told that Peter went out and cried and repented. Jesus had said, “Whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before My Father in heaven” (Mt 10:32). But He forgave Peter. He will forgive me too.

@ It is now early morning. Word came to me that my Master was condemned to die on the cross! I almost had a heart attack. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me. I never expected this. Many times He escaped and I expected the same this time too (Mt 12:14,15). It is not right to flog a man of integrity (Prov 17:26). But my Master was flogged. I wanted to run to the chief priests and elders and return the money, tell them that He was innocent and try to secure His release. Oh my Master, please forgive me; I have sinned. I have betrayed innocent blood. If the chief priests and elders dealt His case with integrity, they would have released Him. Justice was not done to Him (Isa 59:4).

I did that but they wouldn’t accept my plea. Oh my God, I am not able to repent as I thought. The thought of killing myself is descending on me like a dark cloud. I threw the money in the temple and ran to find a rope. I am a dirty sinner, I must die.

Dear friend, may be you have come to this point now. But I have a good news for you. There’s no sin that cannot be washed by the Blood of Christ (1 Jn 1:19). If you repent and turn to Jesus, He will throw away your sin behind His back (Isa 38:17). He will sink your sins at the bottom of the sea (Mic 7:19). He will remove your sins like the cloud of the sky (Isa 44:21). He will remove your sin as far as the East is from the West (Psa 103:12). Oh the length and the depth and the height and the breadth of God’s Love!



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Lilian Stanley
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Tel: +91 9843511943
Email: lilianstanley@gmail.com

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